RAMFC Meets ..............

Pope John Paul II

In the latest installment of RAMFC’s continuing series of in-depth interviews with absolutely anyone even remotely connected with football, Carlsberg, proud sponsors of Real Ale Madrid Football Club, are honoured to present the recent interview with Pope John Paul II.

 RAM:  Your Holiness, it is certainly a great honour to have this opportunity to meet with you.  As everyone probably knows, you played football in your younger days.  As a matter of fact, I understand that you were quite a successful goalkeeper.

 PJP2: 

 RAM:  Excuse me, your Holiness?

 PJP2:  ~snore~

 RAM:  (sound of clearing throat)  Excuse me?

 Pathetic Lackie:  I’m very sorry, the Pontiff has dosed off. 

 RAM:  Why do you call him the Pontiff.  I thought he was the Pope.

 PL:  Pontiff is another name for him.

 RAM:  Oh, like a nickname?

 PL:  Not exactly.

 RAM:  Then WHAT exactly.  This is an in-depth interview.  There’s no time for bullshit.

 PL:  Then you shouldn’t have come to the Vatican.  This place is full of secrets and contradictory musings.

 RAM:  When do you think the Pontiff will wake up? 

 PL:  It’s hard to say.  Sometimes we turn up the stereo really loud but that hasn’t been working lately. 

 RAM:  What kind of music do you play on the stereo?

 PL:  Usually various gospel recordings His Holiness has collected on his travels.  Occasionally ZZ Top as well.

 PJP2:  Uh?  What?  Oh, yes.  I was the goalkeeper for the Lech Walesa Solidarity Select XI in my younger days.

 RAM:  It says here in my “Official Polish FA Meaningless Football Statistics Compilation” that some bloke called Karl something or other played goal for them.

 PJP2:  Yes, that was me.

 RAM:  But, your name’s John Paul.

 PJP2:  I adopted that name when I became Pope.

 RAM:  Why?

 PJP2:  It was a requirement under the collective bargaining agreement.  F****** wops don’t want me to be known as the Pollack Pope.

 RAM:  But John Paul isn’t exactly an Italian name, is it?

 PJP2:  I know, but even the Italians know that nobody would take this church seriously if its leader had a poncy Italian name.  Can you imagine Pope Gianni Paolo?  What a joke.  The profit margins would suffer tremendously.

 RAM:  Why’d you stop playing footie? 

 PJP2:  Living in Italy, the opposing forwards are afraid to score against the Pope.  Silly f******.  I’m just an old fart who reads the bible and doesn’t have to pay taxes.  As if I can send anyone to hell.

 RAM:  Do you follow Serie A?

 PJP2:  I tried when I first arrived, but it’s so f****** boring.  Hardly any attacking play at all.  Everyone diving about like the dago poofs they really are.  No.  I prefer the English League.  As well as Aussie Rules Football. 

 RAM:  Do you follow Glasgow Celtic?

 PJP2:  Oh good God, no.  I’m an honourary member of their supporters club for some ridiculous reason.  Big f******* deal, so I get some hideous green and white Christmas card every year.  Have you seen them play?  Holy s*** – and when I say “holy s***” it means something – they are awful. 

 RAM:  Did you enjoy the World Cup this year?

 PJP2:  ~snore~

 RAM:  Not again.  Hey you with the pictures of altar boys scattered all over the floor, can you wake him up for me?

 PL:  I’m sorry we’re not supposed to intentionally wake him up. 

 RAM:  So what are we supposed to do? 

 PL:  Sometimes we put him in silly poses and take photographs.  Once we stood him on his head – he didn’t wake up for almost 3 days.  Another time we put his hand in a pan of warm water until he wet himself.

 RAM:  Oh ,yeah.  Nice one.

 PL:  Not really.  He does that almost everyday anyway.

 RAM:  Does he always fart like that in his sleep?

 PL:  Oh yes.  Sometimes it’s worse.

 RAM:  WHAT’S THAT SMELL?!??

PL:  What the f**** do you think it is?

PJP2:  gurgle, grunt, snort, sniff ~ Oh yes, the World Cup.  It was brilliant when Italy got knocked out wasn’t it?  Especially with all the outrage here in Rome.  I stressed the importance of faith during that difficult period – what a bonus that was for our third quarter results.  F******* hell, nothing like a disappointing World Cup to make a bunch of latinos run to the church.  I actually had a surprise trip planned to Argentina after they got knocked out, but I had to cancel.  There’s no way I could have kept a straight face in front of that mob while conducting Sunday Mass.  That David Beckham’s my hero now.  I just ordered the new Man Utd blue away jersey with number seven on the back.  I hope my credit card didn’t get denied again.  Yeah, Beckham’s alright.  Too bad his wife can’t sing worth s****  Nice knockers though.

RAM:  Indeed.  I understand that there is an annual Priest World Cup tournament.

PJP2:  Oh yes.  We try and avoid publicity though.  It’s supposed to be a getaway for our Priests from around the world.  We don’t want any dickheads on some sort of daft pilgrimage trying to get absolution for their sins at half-time now, do we?  This year, we’re holding it in Australia.  As if that lot will ever discover religion.  I’m thinking of taking surfing lessons while I’m down there.  I’m going to have to sneak away though, that bunch of tossers over there in the corner insist on trying to carry me everywhere. 

RAM:  Good luck with that.

PJP2:  Yeah, whatever.  So, what team are you with?

RAM:  Real Ale Madrid.

PJP2:  But, you’re from Brampton. 

RAM:  Bramalea, to be precise.

PJP2:  Oh right.  I went to a strip joint there when I was in Toronto in the summer.  Hey, wasn’t that brilliant when that shop got flooded when the sewage system overflowed.  It’s funny how Catholics always s*** themselves when I cruise by.

RAM:  Oh yeah, I forgot you were in Toronto.

PJP2:  Aren’t you catholic?

RAM:  Er, no.  Why, does it matter?

PJP2:  No, not at all.  Sometimes I dream about being the leader of other religions.  Being Pope isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  All these dignitaries wanting an audience with me.  Last year I had to meet the entire Real Madrid team after they won the European Cup.  You should really sue them for stealing your club’s name, by the way.  That Hierro is an ugly bastard.  I bet even his local priest didn’t touch him when he was a lad.  Sweated like a pig too.  If they win again this season, I’m going to give Ronaldo a tennis racket and see if he really can eat an apple through it.  As if he’d ever say no to me.

RAM:  So, what’s your favourite team?

PJP2:  ~snore~

PL:  I’m sorry, but I think that’s all the Pontiff has time for.  He has an audience with the graduating class of the local boys’ grammar school later on this afternoon and he needs to save his strength. 

Well, a great big thank you to Pope John Paul II.  Please follow our entire series of interviews with the who’s who of world football, exclusively on realalemadrid.com.