RAMFC Meets ..............

Maradona

Today, in the first of a lengthy series of interviews with the who's who of world football, I am proud to present my recent discussion with one of South America's favourite sons, none other than Diego Armando Maradona:

RAM:  Diego, can I call you Diego?  As opposed to some other names I could think of.  Diego, your career took you to the absolute pinnacle of world football.  Winning the World Cup, along with league championships in your native Argentina, Spain and Italy, and a UEFA Cup success while at Napoli.  On top of all this, you are one of the most recognizable celebrities to emerge from the sporting arena.  How did you come to grips with such extreme fame and fortune after having begun life in a shithole like Argentina?

 DAM:  What do joo mean sheethole?  It’s better than that place joo come from.

 RAM:  Yes, of course it is.  You recently spent time in Cuba trying to eradicate a particularly nasty cocaine habit.  Did you choose Cuba because it is in many ways similar to that sheethole you came from?

 DAM:  NO IT’S NOTHING LIKE THE SHEETHOLE I COME FROM, I mean Argentina.

 RAM:  What do you miss most about playing football? 

 DAM:  I really miss the camaraderie and the competition.

 RAM:  But, what about the cheating and diving?

 DAM:  What do joo mean?

 RAM:  Oh come on, what about scoring with your hand or ingesting vast quantities of performance enhancing drugs?

 DAM:  I never took them drugs.

 RAM:  So how did you go from a body fat percentage of 4.3% to 78.2% as soon as you stopped playing?

 DAM:  NEXT QUESTION!!!!!

 RAM:  Throughout your career, you had quite a reputation as a ladies man. 

 DAM:  Yes, I did.

 RAM:  Okay, here’s how it’s going to work.  I ask a question and then you answer the question.  I don’t remember asking a f****** question, so keep quiet until I do.  Now, getting back to your Casanova-like reputation, considering the fact that you’re a short-arsed little ff***** with a face that must make your mother cry, either your reputation is a little exaggerated or you carry a paper bag around with you.  So, which is it?

 DAM:  mumble, snort, sniff, grunt

 RAM:  Diego?  Diego?

 DAM:  Joo are insulting me and my mother.  She does not cry at me.

 RAM:  With all the money you’ve earned, you haven’t bought her a pair of corrective glasses???

 DAM:  SHE DOESN’T NEED GLASSES!!!!!

 RAM:  There’s no need to shout Diego.  I’m right here next to you.   A few years ago, you played a charity match in Toronto for your brother’s team, Toronto Italia.  Was that a memorable experience?

 DAM:  It made me cry.

 RAM:  Well, your shorts did look a little tight.

 DAM:  I CRIED BECAUSE OF PRIDE JOO MOTHERF*****. 

 RAM:  What has your mother been telling you?  Never mind.  I can easily see why that evening would fill you with pride.  Watching you stumble around erratically for 65 minutes until you could actually see through the haze to stab the ball into an empty net after the opposing team had repeatedly gifted you seemingly unmissable chances.

 DAM:  I’m going to stab you in a minute.

 RAM:  It must have been a relief to score the winning goal that night.

 DAM:  My many fans came to see me score so I considered it my duty not to disappoint them.

 RAM:  I was actually thinking that you were then able to leave the match and have those shorts surgically removed.  Despite the fact that you have lived all over the World, you still call Argentina home.  Other than your love of family, friends and easily accessible cheap cocaine, what do you love most about the place? 

 DAM:  I like to be close to family and friends.

 RAM:  Yeah, I know, I said other than that.  Is Argentina a nice place to live?

 DAM:  It’s wonderful.  The people, the cities, the countryside.  I especially enjoy …

 RAM:  Moving along, did you see the film “Evita”?

 DAM:  Yes, but …

 RAM:  Do you think it’s funny that Madonna’s name is similar to yours?

 DAM:  No.

 RAM:  Why not?

 DAM:  Why would I?

 RAM:  Why wouldn’t you?

 DAM:  That’s a stupid question.

 RAM:  There are no stupid questions Diego, only stupid answers.

 DAM:  Are joo calling me stupid?  Don’t call me stupid.

 RAM:  Have you seen “A Fish Called Wanda”?

 DAM:  Huh?

 RAM:  Do try and keep up Diego.  Staying with the movie theme, if you were to make a movie about yourself, who would you get to play the lead?

 DAM:  It would have to be someone with great stature within the film industry.  Someone who can realistically project a sense of wealth and accomplishment.

 RAM:  Like, say, Emmanuel Lewis?

 DAM:  Who?

 RAM:  He played Webster.

 DAM:  I’ve never heard of him.

 RAM:  He looks like you.  Only slimmer.  Who would you suggest?

 DAM:  I really like the one from “Silence of the Lambs”.

 RAM:  Jodie Foster?

 DAM:  NO!!!  ANTHONY HOPKINS!!!

 RAM:  Oh, you mean Sir Anthony Hopkins.  His first name is Sir.

 DAM:  Oh.

 RAM:  Not much of a physical resemblance now is there?  Wouldn’t a latino actor be a bit more appropriate?

 DAM:  I guess so.  Maybe Benicio Del Toro.

 RAM:  A bit tall, don’t you think?

 DAM:  WHO CARES HOW TALL HE IS???

 RAM:  Apparently not you.  So, after a lengthy career during which your athleticism was never in doubt, has it been hard to adjust to being a fat little tw**?

 RAM:  Diego?  Where are you going?  I’ve got some more questions for you.  What about your affair with Claudio Caniggia? 

Thank you Diego Armando Maradona.  Unfortunately, our guest has had to rumble off rather excitedly.