Following extensive email traffic between our legal team and an 'apex offshore institution in the Isle of Man', we felt it only right and proper to ask some probing questions in order to protect our shareholders interest ... not that our shareholders have any interest of course, but that's another story. Anyhow here it is ...
The original email that started it all.
---------- Forwarded Message -----------
From: "Albert Edmond." <abert_ed2005@latinmail.com>
To: the_gaffer@realalemadrid.com
Sent: Sat, 12 Mar 2005 10:29:14 +0100
Subject: URGENT PROFITABLE BUSINESS PROPOSAL.
I am Mr Albert Edmond, an Investment banker with one of the apex offshore
banks in Isle Of Man, British Isles. My colleagues and I have an urgent and
confidential business That will guarantee great financial freedom for all
parties involved.
On the 6th of November 1998 an American diamond mine owner, Mr. Trevor
Phillips opened a prime gold investment account with us for a period of five
years and his present balance is valued at GBP6, 000,000.00 (Six Million
Great Britain pounds sterling only)
On maturity date of his investment, we sent a routine notification to
hisforwarding Address but got no reply.
After a month, we sent a reminder and finally,we discovered from his business
associates that he died from an automobile accident.
On further investigation, we found out from his account file that he never
made a will and all attempts to trace his next of kin were fruitless, as he
had none.
We therefore made further investigations and discovered that Mr. Trevor
Philips did not declare any next of kin or relations in all his official
documents in the Bank.As it is now, no one will ever come forward to claim
this money.
As an offshore account,at the expiration of 5 (five) years the money will
revert to the ownership of the Bank if unclaimed.Consequently,
my proposal is that I would like you to stand in as the next of kin of Mr.
Trevor Phillips.
This is simple; all we need is some of your
details so that an Attorney will prepare the necessary documents and
affidavits which would put you in Place as Mr. Phillips next of kin. We
shall engage the services of an accredited
Attorney for the drafting and notarization of a WILL. Then obtain the
necessary documents and letters of probate/administration in your favor for
the transfer.
The money would be shared in the ration of 70% for us and 30% for you.There
is no risk at all as the paperwork for this transaction will be done by the
attorney and my position as an investment manager with the bank guarantees
the success of this transaction.
If you are interested, please reply immediately.
Please observe utmost confidentiality and be rest assured that this
transaction would Be most profitable for us. I shall still require your
assistance to invest my own share In your country just incase you can help,
otherwise we'll take our share.
I await your urgent reply.
Regards,
Mr.Albert Edmond.
Dear Madam
I have several questions I would like to put to you before I agree to become the long lost daughter of Mr Trevor Philips. I hope that you are truthful and sincere as I have been taken in by so called 'scam' artists before (like the man who sold me piles cream that was actually mayonaise. As it turned out, Roy really liked it and in a strange way it did actually soothe but the mental scars will take much longer to heal).
1. What is an apex offshore bank and why the Isle of Man? Doesn't all the money get soggy.
2. If Mr Philips was a diamond mine owner why did he open a gold account? Was he confused?
3. Why is it 6 million only? Is this not enough?
4. What kind of autombile accident did he die from (of?) I bet it was one of those damn pine tree air fresheners spearing him through the pancreas, that happened to me Aunty Doris you know. Have you tried getting in touch with her? She is a famous gold mine owner that opened a prime rib account. She's skint now of course, we embezzled all her cash. Lovely old stick she was but she should see her eat a boiled egg.
5. I'm not surprised you couldn't find any fruit as his next of kin. Why would he make fruit his next of kin anyway, sounds a bit soft if you ask me.
7. What happened to number 6. It went missing after I did number 2 (haha).
8. What exactly would I have to stand in to be his next of kin. If its any kind of poo, then I am afraid I will have to decline.
9. Some details you will need. I am a 16 collar, allergic to spoons and dandruff, stand 5 feet 10 in my socks and 6 foot three in my shoes. I am Capricorn with Scorpio rising and love to walk barefoot on the beach. I trust this will suffice for the needs of the halfadavid and prostate documents.
10. I would need to re-negotiate the split and would absolutely not take anything less and 85% for you and 25% for me. Take it or leave it. I should war you I know an accountant.
11. The last bit confuses me. " shall still require your assistance to invest my own share In your country just incase you can help, otherwise we'll take our share". Does this mean that unless I take your share, you wont take it .. in which who takes your share (or do you just do what you did for Mr Philips and advertsie for someone.
Looking forward to your responses.
The Gaffer