Up Close and Personal

RAMFC Meets ..............

David Beckham and some other famous footie stars

With Senior correspondent's Martin Wilson and Paul Grimes temporarily absent due to international duty, called up by Togo and Somaliland respectively, reporter Simon Burgess puts finger to tape machine with the Golden Boy of Football, David Beckham.

David and I met at his palatial Gorton residence, shortly after Man U re-claimed the Premiership trophy in early May 2003, at the block of flats owned by David to house his change of vehicle as needed for his journey home from Old Trafford to Nether Nether Alderley Land, his new Cheshire theme park. He was throwing a party for some familiar faces and I managed to gate crash and even sneak some piccies.

Myself and another Salford docks waif whom we shall call Susan with Dave

Simon: David, firstly let me say how grateful I am that you let me in to conduct this interview and to congratulate you on a fine season?

David: <In squeaky voice> No problemo muchacho...I always believe in speaking to the press - want a go on the bouncy castle?

SB: Very good David. Anyhow, what was your opinion on Arsene Wenger's comments about Man U towards the end of the season.

DB: <In squeaky voice> I thought they were over confident words, from a man who looks like the woodpecker out of Bagpuss.

The beak just gives it away

SB: I see. Do you watch Bagpuss regularly on the team bus with the Neville brothers or something more stimulating like Rainbow? Never mind, now Dave, it has been rumoured that you bumped off Posh a few years back and the person to whom you are married now is actually a couple of pipe cleaners and an old Fairy Liquid bottle, made up by your good friends at Blue Peter. How do you react to that?

DB: <In squeaky voice> That is just rumour and inuendo, I mean a pipe cleaner may sell more records but I love the Spice Girls.

SB: Then why are you wearing a  Blue Peter badge and have a signed photo of John Noakes on your wall? I mean come on, her neck is just not right... (at this point we are interrupted by none other than Teddy Sheringham with his friend)

Dave, Preggers and Teddy

SB:  Dave, it has also been rumoured that you were discouraged recently by photos of yourself, Karsten of Real Ale Madrid and Elton John at a hamster auction held by your mutual acquaintance, Tomas? Is this true?

DB: <Squeaky cough and splutter> Sorry?

SB: Come now David, 'that' photo is splashed all over the supermarket magazine's and the tabloid papers?

That famous piccie

DB: That was a benefit for celebrity hamster anus replacements ... I am a proud director, as is Elton and Karsten.

SB: Well Elton doesn't surprise me, he's probably caused a few in his time ... but you and Karsten?

DB: Only we only show up to check out the models ... I saw a 3:1 Flying Scotsman there once with real signal box

SB: I bet she had ... anyhow, oh hello Sven or can I call you Ulrika .. yes of course I can play this Sunday .. let's talk.

The beginning of World Cup Victory for England in 2006

DB: Hey where are you going...oh well, I'm moving to Madrid anyway so I'll just play for that country ... Hey Teddy, do you think Luxembourg can win the next World Cup

TS: Of course they can, you dopey blond git.