Up Close and Personal

Happy New Year to supporters of Real Ale Madrid FC the world over.  Due to unprecedented clamour, we return with the latest instalment of "Up Close and Personal".  Today, we are proud to present the recent interview, conducted by our erstwhile reporter Martin Wilson, with Scottish national team manager, Herr Berti Vogts.

RAM:  Herr Vogts, thank you for taking the time to meet with me.

BV:  Oh no, thank you.

RAM:  You're very welcome.

RAM:  I must ask you, what was the primary reason that compelled you to take the reins of the Scottish team?  Am I right in assuming that you saw it as a challenge to bring a modicum of success to a country that, while enamoured with football, has had absolutely nothing to celebrate over the centuries apart from the occasional victory in meaningless friendlies?

BV:  There were a great many reasons, but I'm afraid your assumption is somewhat off the mark.

RAM:  Thank God for that!!!  I thought maybe you were delusional.

BV:  No, not quite.  Some fans feel I am following the same route as Bora Milutinovic.  Bora's record is phenomenal.  Not only did he lead Mexico, Costa Rica, the USA, Nigeria and China to the World Cup finals, he also succeeded in reaching the second round with all of those countries with the exception of China in 2002.  Of course, I cannot possibly hope to achieve such success with Scotland.  With all due respect to Bora, he had much more to work with in those countries than I have here, both in terms of skill as well as established leagues.  No, I'm afraid I'm trying to follow two other gentlemen in terms of my managerial career, both of whom managed Scotland at some point.

RAM:  You stated that the countries Mr. Milutinovic managed had established leagues.  What about Costa Rica?  The USA?  Nigeria? China?  The leagues in these countries are second rate at best.  They have limited skill levels, non-existent coaching and the facilities within the countries are abysmal compared to the top European leagues.

BV:  Precisely my point ? he had a lot more to work with than I do here in Scotland.

RAM:  Ahhh, point taken.  So, in your tenure to date, what do you consider to be your greatest success with the Scottish team?

BV:  Well, obviously our win over Canada was seen as a turning point for the team.

RAM:  Beating Canada at football isn't exactly an earth shattering accomplishment now, is it?  Especially considering the passion that flows through the veins of the typical Scottish fan.  These are the same fans who expect success on the European stage from the two big clubs, namely Rangers and Celtic.

BV:  Expectations are one thing, reality is another.  What was that you said about being delusional earlier?

RAM:  So where do you expect Scotland to be in a year's time from now?

BV:  North of England, where it is now.

RAM:  You daft square-head, I don't mean geographically, I mean in footballing terms.

BV:  Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I don't have a good grasp of the English language yet.

RAM:  No wonder you fit in so well in Scotland.

BV:  Huh???

RAM:  Never mind.   What sort of future do you see for the Scottish team?

BV:  We have high expectations.

RAM:  What does that mean?  You want to beat Canada again?

BV:  Oh no, we have to be realistic.

RAM:  So?

BV:  We want to improve the level of play such that our fans will be proud of us.  The Scottish existence is based on one thing, and one thing only. They want to be able to consider themselves to be equal to, if not superior to, their English neighbors.  This of course will never be the case, but a nation must have hope.  Without hope, a nation is nothing more than a barren wasteland of despair.

RAM:  You mean like Glasgow?

BV:  Precisely.  So, our goal is to beat as many teams as possible, such as Canada, which England has never beaten.  In that way the average Scotsman can say, and also firmly believe, that Scotland is a better footballing nation than England.

RAM:  But, England has never played Canada.

BV:  Logical thoughts such as those have no place in the Scottish psyche.

RAM:  So if England beat Germany and Argentina, as they have done recently, it's meaningless to the average jock, while Scotland beating Canada is relevant in that England has never done so?

BV:  Yes.  This country is largely inhabited by sad b******s.

RAM:  It's even worse that I thought.

BV:  You don't know the half of it.

RAM:  You mentioned earlier that in your career you hope to follow in the footsteps of two other Scottish team managers.  Who might they be?

BV:  Sir Matt Busby and Sir Alex Ferguson of course.  They both went from rags to riches in terms if managing a bunch of no-hopers to winning the European Cup with Manchester United.

RAM:  Is that your goal?  To manage Manchester United?

BV:  Managing a big club is any manager's goal, but it wouldn't have to be United.  I just use those two as a motivation.  Why, even Tommy Docherty managed both Scotland and United, and he's nothing more than a silly little piss-head.

RAM:  Mrs. Brown might not think so.

BV:  Who?

RAM:  It's hardly relevant anymore.  On a personal level, how have you adjusted to life in Scotland?  Have you embraced the lifestyle?

BV:  Well I do enjoy going to the pub.  Of course Scottish culture revolves around the local pub.

RAM:  Excuse me; did you just say Scottish 'culture'???

BV:  I use the term loosely, of course.

RAM:  How does the food compare to German cuisine?

BV:  It's much different obviously.  An acquired taste I think is the best way to describe it.

RAM:  F****** awful would be another way.

BV:  Very true.  But thankfully I live in Edinburgh which is a very cosmopolitan city.

RAM:  Does that mean you can get other sorts of food other than Scottish cuisine?

BV:  No, it means I can fly somewhere else whenever I need food that doesn't come with a heart attack guarantee.

RAM:  Lucky you.  What are your immediate plans for the team?  Do you have any friendlies arranged in the coming months?

BV:  Not just yet.  I'm still trying to arrange a few matches against teams England has never played.  Is your team free?

RAM:  We are free; however, our pitch is currently covered by a foot of snow.

BV:  That'll help.

RAM:  Help who?

BV:  Well I'm not going to help Real Ale Madrid, am I?  It's not like I'm your manager.  Not yet anyway.  Are you looking for a new manager?  Here, let me give you a copy of my resume.

RAM:  Thank you, I'll read it later.

BV:  NO, read it NOW!!  Please, I'd like you to.  See, I played for Borussia Mönchengladbach as well as Germany.  I also coached Germany. Well, what do you think?

RAM:  Well, that's all very impressive, but it's this Scotland crap that worries me.

BV:  But I was out of work.  I needed to do something.

RAM:  Yeah, fair enough, but Scotland?

BV:  I was desperate.  The economy in Europe was really bad.  I couldn't get a real job.

RAM:  Yeah, but Scotland?

BV:  But the bank took my house.  My wife's sick.  My kids needed to be clothed and fed.

RAM:  Yeah, but Scotland?

BV:  I'm so ashamed!!!  I've dishonoured my family, my friends, and my country.

RAM:  F*** that, you've dishonoured football.  I mean, Scotland??

BV:  You're right.  I will announce my resignation immediately.  Don't go. Don't leave me here.  I CAN'T STAND IT HERE!!!!!  COME BACK!!!!!