With players getting older on this team and the likelihood of their careers coming to an end soon ( some already have but they just don’t know it) , we here can only wonder how these real ale stars will parlay their soccer successes in the future. Well wonder no more. Through some diligent investigation we have compiled what types of novels these stars will most likely come out with in order to capitalize on the tell all novel scene…..

The Football Factory – Part II - Follow Paul Grimes and his bunch of goonish Chelsea supporters as they wreak havoc around Brampton every time Chelsea plays. The final showdown against Team Canada women’s soccer team supporters in the last chapter is reminiscent of the climax scene in The Outsiders movie where Matt Dillon gets shot after the big rumble.

Fun with Dick and Jane - The real brains behind Simon comes out with a tell-all novel about the ‘fun’ with Jane. The novel hits a snag after the first chapter where basically after that the story is mainly in the ‘dark’ with repetitive sentences in regards to what type of underwear Simon is wearing that day .

Big Fish – Mario the Latino’s story Follow Mario as he continues to tell more and more stories that sure as hell cant be true but he thinks that you think they are. His on and off relationship with Paris Hilton, how he helped Diego Maradona overcome his weight problems, and how its everyone else’s fault as to why he quits teams 3 games into the season

Mein Kempf – Trevor’s struggles Playing for an English team is hard enough, but playing up front is even worse. Trevor tells us about his ‘blitzkrieging’ offensive attack and why anyone who brings domestic beer to soccer should be shot on the spot.

The Greek – A true Hollywood story Skyrocketing to idol status after carrying Madrid for so long, Louis the greek goes on tour to thank all his fans. Trouble occurs when his ego gets the best of him and his partying ways catch up with him as he OD”s on Fred Flintstone vitamins outside the Viper Room nightclub in LA.

The Mayor and Me - Ian Newman, fed up with morning coffee runs and giving foot massages to the mayor, comes out with a novel that shows the taxpayers of Brampton where their money exactly goes. Lavish spending on bowling nights, and all night drinking benders at the back of soccer city are just some of the crazy fun things your politicians spend your money on.

Drop that Handbag! - How to feel better about yourself. Move over Tim Robbins, as David Sharda hits the motivational speaker scene with a resounding thump. Dave uses yelling and whipping techniques to help you be a better you. As and added bonus, Dave includes a street map of all the hotspots on Yorkville and the key places to hide in order to ambush gay male stars visiting during the movie festival.

UFC profile – the Warren story - I’m walking on thin ice here, but here we go…….. Warren tells us about the mean streets of Brampton where he honed his skills by beating up innocent old ladies walking by. He recaps all the beatings he gave out on the soccer field, and the ones in the changeroom to unsuspecting pretty boys like Louis as he laughs like a maniac the whole time. But the story takes a sentimental turn, when after a heart to heart conversation with Louis about Life and the beauty of a nice flower arrangement, Warren quits smoking and drinking in order to compete in a grueling “ Sesame Street 1k fun run” marathon.

Biff and Aidan – We’re Just friends - They’re always together, and that has people talking. But this novel looks to dispel any rumours that might be out there. Or should I say, tries to dispel…..

Powder – Mark’s story. How hard is it to find 650 SPF sunproof? What does it feel like to be the main reason for causing so many accidents because drivers are blinded when you are walking down the street on sunny day? You are about to find out….

Trump – Why Chris Seward is rich and you are not… Start a soccer complex. Charge teams 3k each to play. Skimp on your utilities. Hire cheap Hungarian labor. Water certain parts of the field to make it seem like its upkeep. Financial whiz Chris shows you how to make a million ….

Roy Boyce – I Did Them All - Serial rapist Roy recounts each and every attack he did in the changeroom on each and every member of Real Ale Madrid, and how he escaped prosecution by running off to Edmonton where stuff like that is legal.

My Life as a Nair Model who wears short shorts? - Baz wears short shorts...... Sleek legged baz tells all about his life as a model on the edge whose career came to an abrupt halt during an awards show when his sack fell out on live television.

Apparently my little future prognostication on the careers of our Real ale stars was met with such great response that it led some players to email me and say: “what about me you h@mo??!?!?” Now initially this was meant for the ‘stars’ , but I am sure we can make an exception here and somehow fit those remaining in so that they don’t feel left out. Let us begin….

Flashdance – The Ray Tick Story - Follow a small town asian boy as he turns the town upside-down with his ‘dance-dance-revolution’ dance escapades. And in true Disney fashion, watch as the town turns from hating him to loving him and supporting him as he competes in the DDR world dance tournament on a bad ankle. He’s a maniac on the floor, and he’s dancing like he’s never danced before….

The Paperbag Girl - The one and only fan of Madrid, Mark’s wife Jen details how she passes the time while watching these sorry lads play. She gives pointers on how to find and modify that perfect paper bag to put over your head if your are ever forced to waste your time watching a Madrid game.

My Left Foot - A truly boring novel in which Jack tells us all about his left foot and the infatuation he has. This diary styled novel details every goal scored and every time he went to that Asian spa to get a pedicure. Bonus: poster sized pull out close-up shot of his foot.

The Soccer Sweater - In this remake of the classic “the hockey sweater’’ ( in which a maple leafs fan’s mom buys him a Canadians jersey instead), watch as Thomas is forced to wear a Celtic Jersey while all the other kids are wearing Chelsea Jerseys. The daily beatings unfortunately become a sad fact of life for little Thomas, but when he yells back at Dave Sharda on the field we see he has come full circle.

Guatanamo Bay - Ahmed was on his way to the Dominican for a nice family vacation, when all of the sudden things go horribly wrong. Separated from his family at the border, this novel is his recap of the terrors he faces in the prison camp he is sent to. Also read the special interviews with fellow teammates who would constantly check their bags when leaving the changeroom after a game for explosive devices Ahmed might have planted.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame Brampton -  John Wright returns from Texas to Brampton in order to recapture his youthful memories with his long time friends. But problems arises when already incomprehensible with his English accent, the Texas drawl mixed in that he has picked up has left his friends unable to understand what the hell he is saying and they exile him. Little kids see him as a monster who grumbles and he is forced to live out his days in a tower at Notre Dame high school.

Memoirs of a Geisha - Ritchie’s fascination with Japanese culture and Japanese women takes a sick twist when he wants to become a Geisha. Follow Ritchie as he massages and pleases his way through teams at soccer city until someone finally realizes he is indeed a man and they lynch him.

SpeedBump - Mike Sharda writes a tell all novel to justify his existence in midfield to silence his critics who think he resembles a speed bump on the field. The whole novel is based on the two times he has ever touched the ball, and is pretty damn boring to be honest with you.

Why You Should Never Room With a Greek Guy… Damian Higgins recounts the horrors of living with former roommate Louis the Greek. In a scene out of a terrible B movie, listen with fright as Damian would describe every time his bedroom door would slowly creak open in the middle of the night, how the bathroom door would mysteriously be open a little every time he got out of the shower, and how it felt like someone else was sleeping in his bed……….. ahahahahahahahahaha….