questionaire for the football team this year

Since our team has suddenly become flavour of the month with local players wanting to play and I can only sign 22, I have prepared the following questionnaire to weed out undesirables.

Q. Chap in a bar makes a pass at you. Do you as a 100% hetero male respond by
A: Kicking his teeth in?
B: Politely declining his offer?
C: Take him out back and show him your donkey?

Q. You get yelled at by a teammate for a bad pass. Do you
A: Tell him (or her) to F**k off?
B: Apologize and try harder ?
C: Introduce him to "Dobbin" your new donkey?

Q. You do not have the $2.00 to pay for your team beer. Do you
A: Promise to pay next week?
B: Borrow the cash off a friend and teammate?
C: Strap on the ball gag and take one up the chuff for Queen and Country?

Q. You miss an open net in the last minute of a tied game. Do you
A: Beg forgiveness from your teammates?
B: Score a hatrick a week later?
C: Respond to a bollocking from the coach (me) by wetting yourself?

Q. You are tackled badly above the knee by an opposition player. Do you
A: Take his apology like a gentleman?
B: Grin ruefully at the 6 months in crutches that await you?
C: Cry like a baby and promise retribution with a pipe wrench?

Q. At the game a girl in the stands waves at her boyfriend suggestively, while you think she is waving at you. Do you
A. Go over and chat?
B: Go over and chat and upon realizing your mistake, apologize profusely.
C: Kill her boyfriend

Q. After a particularly tough loss you get into a shouting match with the coach (me) about tactics. Do you
A. Yell at the coach telling him he is an imbecile?
B: Realize the coach is a genius and it was you that f**ked up?
C: Laugh your balls off along with the coach when you both realize it is Sunday morning football, you are both hungover and neither of you knows what the f**k you are doing?

Q. The new kit comes with shorts that offer little to the imagination
A. Do you joke about your trouser snake popping out during a slide tackle?
B. Wear tight y-fronts to avoid exposure?
C. Suck your hefty gut in, put a banana down there and parade in front of the wives and girlfriends with a knowing grin on your mug?

Q. After the team do at the local pub, do you
A. Throw up in the landlords prized rose bush out front?
B. Hit on the only single girl at the party despite her being a total slapper?
C. Wake up next to Dobbin wearing a ball gag and no underwear?

Only those who answer C to every question will make the team this year