Ukranian Turnip Pullers Union- 4                Real Ale - 2
Boris, Yuri, Andrei, Ivan the Terrible               Simon x 2

This is getting ridiculous.
Another game, another defeat.
I hate losing. In the immortal words of  Vince Lombardi: ' show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser.'

So Madrid drops another in a game that meant nothing to them, but  the world to the Ukraine. Stacked with 30 players on the bench and aided by a fierce wind in the first half Ukraine netted 4 goals and cruised from there.

Madrid looked terrible, and the one gimp sub on the bench ( Jay or Mark, take your pick) didn't really help things.
I am disgusted.
How am I supposed to be motivated to write match reports when there is nothing good to write.
I know what I'm going to do.................I'm going to let Paul M write it.
You heard me. Star defender/midfielder and local didling teacher will write this report through his eyes based on my notes that I have taken while interviewing him.

I bring to you, Paul M's game day diary.............

5:10 am - Is this kid ever going to shut up?!? Every damn morning I awake to the wails of this banshee, and every morning my wife kicks me out of the bed to tend to the little one. Is this the rest of my life? Please god no.

6:07 am- must get into washroom before wife does, and wash my golden locks. A couple of more inches and I'm going to look like one of those guys in my Scorpion poster. Life is good.

6:08 am -washing, rinsing, repeating....
6:12 am- still repeating..
6:25 am- again repeating....
6:42 am- yet again...
6:53 am- and again..
7:15 am- finally come to conclusion that they forgot to write 'wash, rinse, repeat, and STOP' on the bottle. Make mental note that all this hair care crap is taking too much time and to cut it soon.

8:15 am- ate breakfast and now bouncing out the door. Wife has designated that I drive the 1972 Hyundai Pony to work while she gets the Mercedes all day. Want to say something to her but my arm is still hurting from the last punch she gave me. Will wait a week and let wound heal.

9:00 am - class is in session. Damn, these 13 yr olds are looking older and older nowadays. The two in front are wearing skirts and I'm fighting myself trying not to look. This warm weather has them wearing less and less and honestly I think I'm gonna lose my mind some day. Look at the rack on the one in the back........gonna lose my mind.....

10:15 am - arithmetic lesson in progress.
1 + 1 = 2
As in a pair.
A pair of boobs to be exact.
When the hell is that recess bell gonna ring?!?!? I need a smoke.

12:00 pm - Lunch time. Wife has packed me a some kind of Spam and Kraft Dinner concoction. Maybe if I add ketchup it will make me look a little more classy....

12:15 to 1 pm - sitting on toilet as stomach twists and turns within. Have a feeling that the $1.23 lunch I just ate is responsible for the pain I am presently enduring.

3pm - even though the students are 13, I designate a 1/2 hour nap time so I can catch up on the sleep I lose every night. Fighting urge to ask Melanie in the back to join me atop my desk......

4:30 pm- speeding along highway on way to match. Felling like Justin in that N'Sync video where they're whipping along in the Viper at fast speeds, as I sing along at the top of my lungs. Problem is that the damn Pony can only hit 80 km/h and the tape I'm listening to is actually the baby's and its the Mini-Pops doing a cover of the N'sync song. Must remember to ask Louis if I can borrow his boyband CD.

6 pm - Lacing up my booties and going to see if this ankle of mine can hold up this week.
We have a ball.
I place it in front of me.
I rear my leg back.
kick.......
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I scream like a little girl as I hit the floor in pain. I hear Grimes laughing in the background and the rest of the team giggling under their breaths.

I will cheer from the bench yet once again.

6:30 - kick off.

6:31 - Ukraine is up 4-0

6:45 - Grimes is barking orders like a field general as he cuts up the defense for their poor play. Louis and Roy make faces and jerking off motions at him when he turns his back to them.

7:15 - halftime and the lads look tired. I try to massage Ahmed  to loosen him up but he scowls at me tells me to go f$%k myself. I hope he sends out another email tomorrow apologizing for his poor play today.

7:35 - Mark the gimp has joined me  on the bench and I feel that a good cheer will get our boys going. I suggest we do 'the wave' together to him and he suggests that if we are farther apart it will look cooler when we do it. He tells me to walk and that he will tell me when to stop so we can begin.

I am now standing on the other side of Eglington.

8:15 - the lads are dying and looking to get off but Mark wont budge. I'm wondering if Simon has fixed my damn laptop yet. It has been 3 months now and this has been the worst 20 bucks I have spent by far.

8:30- final whistle blows and we lose 4-2. Louis comes over and kicks Mark in the leg for not coming on when he wanted to get off, and Grimes is seen in a passionate embrace with is girlyfriend as she rewards him with his fine play. I dont know what game she was watching, but that guy didnt move an inch from where he was stranding all game.

8:45- drinking beers in the lot with the boys. My nuts are shriveled from the cold and my laptop still looks and works the same as when I first gave it to Simon.

10:30- arrive home. As I open the door I am greeted with shot across the head from a slipper held by my wife. Supposedly my curfew is 10 and I'm late.

When's it gonna end?