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Thursday August 24th 2006

I need a break from packing up all the crap I own so I thought I would update the site AGAIN. Just a quick one though, ooh err missus. Last night B's played in a top of the table clash with Strella - I wont go on about it as Louis sums it up here, needless to say though that these cheating bastard will get theirs one day. Oh, we drew 3 - 3  by the way.

Other stuff, Chris F is having a long weekend golf tourny at Kleinburg - $75 bucks inc cart and a BBQ after (BYOB) so let him know if you are interested. Over ...

Wednesday August 23rd 2006

Well where to start. Comings and goings abound. Mr John Wright, he of Real Ale folklore like trolls, fairies and a comfortable pair of Y fronts, is coming back to the Great Frozen North (actually its a balmy mid 20s at the moment but that will change). Signed up for Thursday indoor already and having been on a Texan de-tox diet for the last several years, he is raring to go ... to the bar and ruin all the work he has done on trying to get fit. Even more amazing he has learned to drive although you have to remember where he has been practicing for the last little while (whisper Texas ... just like Brampton I suppose). On the way out, although this has been the case for years, is myself ... taking a one way ticket for now back to Blighty. Ever since the Clavin Kelin underwear contract did not come off (a bit like the stains in my actual Calvin Klein underwear), I have decided to pursue a hand modelling career in the UK. So I have jacked in me job, boxed up the house, put the cat out, cancelled the milk and turned off the gas (if only we could do this with Jack) and I'm leaving on a jet plane, dont know when I'll be back again. Its been a great 12 years and I'll be sad to go .... well actually I wont, I am SOOO sick of doing this website, being funny and NOT ONE PERSON ever says thanks. So screw the lot of you. You cant play football anyway.

Anyway, onto the footy stuff and a few other bits and pieces before I turn it over to my good friend,the Gaffer. B's won in the quarters and semis of the cup and have also had a reasonable run in the league. Date to be announced for the Final but a game tonight so dont be late and bring beer. A's not doing so well and a loss to bottom feeders Milton Gunners Sunday leaves us 2nd from bottom. Game this Sunday at NOON ... yes Warren NOON .... at Viccy on the new pitch so who wants to bet we'll have 18 lads show up at 10am, and 3 at 12. Anyone, anyone? Right over to Mr G.

Thursday July 27th 2006

Brief update - if your gnads are so squashed when you take yer keks off that you look like a girl then your briefs are too tight.

Football update - B's BEAT AGAIN the Ukraine in a hard fought match with too many heroes to mention. THE UKRAINE IS WEAK!! Just joking - Louis sums it up here but we played out of our cocks and your all laughing cos you think this is a typo but its not - well it is I did mean socks but me New Zealand lamb chops are ready and I need to finish this.

Only other comment is a golf day, maybe on the August long weekend - hands up please. Onto Red & White on Sunday so be there or be square daddyo .... ouch

Tuesday July 25th 2006

 

 We conquered zee beast ... yes the hated Dio (well we dont really hate him) playing for Ukrainia - all his bollocks jokes - well he finally shut up when we beat Ukrainia in the B team Cup Quarters. A 2 - 1 win and Louis match report here. I wont wax lyrical about this as the A's performance the following day was nothing short of crap. I am sorry as I know the Gaffer will not want the negatives airing but we were crap. Georgetown I, easily beatable, with no subs on a hot day and we cough up 3 stupid goals. Throughout this game, players continue to try and knock 30 yard balls or take on too many men and lose the ball. When we play simple and pass the ball, we make chances and go forward ... choking the ball, we get caught on breakaways and give up goals. Also, players not taking a break, when we have subs, lets use them ... 65 minutes in and your knackered, take a break instead of watching the man your marking blow past you ... and thats MY rant over. Over to Mr G for his weekly messages after a quick image of the hotel room Chris Seward made use of on Saturday night ...

Saturday July 22nd 2006

A quickie this morning as I prepare myself for the battle with Ukrainia today in the quarters of the Cup for the B's. 2pm at Soccer City so I am just about done starching my shorts - straight onto the football news - I have been back in UK for a while watching the World Cup - oh and my sister got married too but I was really there for the football, just dont tell her that so apologies for the site not being updated as quickly as usual. Anyway, outdoor for both teams well under way and a mixed bag since those early days of the season when I last reported. B's do themselves proud with some reasonable results as have A's, but attendance on A's is somewhat of a concern, so much so that Mr G has laid down the law, his pipe, his smoking jacket and that inflatable lamb and demanded people show up or he signs new people. You know who you are and a phone call or email dont take a lot to let him know you cant make it. I wont go through all the results as they are posted under the fixtures with reports where available linked and they are up to date. Last couple of games - B's got beat by a slick Strela team on Wednesday but were unlucky (I THINK) not to come away with a draw. Louis sums it up here. A's game last Sunday is not worth mentioning due to the lack of shows. A big thanks to the 9 guys that sweated their trolls off in 40C temps and tried to get a result but ran out of steam. A better show this Sunday is needed as we are up against Georgetown at Viccy - 10am - so BE THERE. B's as mentioned, play the quarters at 2pm today against Ukrainia and then play them again in a league match Wednesday, usual time.

Other news before I turn it over to Mr G for his weekly message - Louis has managed to fit into his busy schedule, an insight into the novels to be penned by players when their playing days are over (which in most cases was about 1987) - very funny and WELL worth a read here. He also sums up the season for the B's so far here. Anyway over to Mr G and his rant, I mean summary.

Monday May 29th 2006

Well no buggers put together a summary of the debacle that was the fiasco that begot the bollocks that equated to the crap that led into the joke that was the game on Sunday against Georgetown. We could have won this one. We should have won this one. We almost won this one - well we would have if they had not scored 2 more than us. 1 - 0 were up, 15 minutes to go, were cruising, were comfy, as comfy as Warren on a settee surrounded by his old and crusty undercrackers. Eating broccoli and dip (dont ask about the dip for the love of Dog (remember I'm dyslexic - by the way, my mate said to me in the car the other day, "can you smell petrol?", "Piss off", I said, "You know I cant even smell my own name" - I thank you, I'm here all week) - anyway were winning, they score with an OG (Ray I am shocked at you for this), then they get a goal as our defence decided to wave the attacker through like Snoop Dog at a Celine Dion concert (eh?) and THEN Parksey, tough and solid in the nets and his underpants (front and back bottom) chins a guy, gets sent off and with less time on the clock than it takes me to make love to myself (and ladies this is seconds and I AM available), they score a penalty. Now this is how it unfolded, Parksey takes the ball, so is holding the ball, but raises his weakling type forearm to the guy gets a red AND the ref gives a penalty ????? Eh???? How can they get a penalty whilst Parksey has the ball. Anyhow, Mr G's match report just showed up so I'll post it. He probably mentions a screamer of a goal he scored which was mishit as soon as he started swinging his arthritic leg at it ... to re-iterate what he went on and on (and on and on and on) about is that he is now top scorer. Oh smashing. I bet he mentions that miss too where I SPORTINGLY fluffed a breakaway on purpose as I was yards offiside.

Other footy news, B's start their campaign this week on Wednesday with a few folk missing so anyone interested in a game and a couple of beers, 6pm Soccer City. Sunday A's take on the mighty White and Red, ex Polack National Team Players. Be there early to get your shirt. Viccy at 10am.

Saturday May 20th 2006

Good morning all. Quickly onto the footy news this week, lots going on as the outdoor is almost upon as quickly as Mark on a sticky bun. No pre season games this week as its the Bank Holiday although there is a golf get together Sunday or Monday weather permitting if anyone fancies it.. Mr G details the upcoming stuff in his weekly gaffers contribution. He does not know about this weekly contribution yet but I cannot be arsed typing it all so I just copied his email. Read on MacDuff....

Thursday May 11th 2006

A couple of snaps from Mr G's recent birthday bash.

Onto footy news and the indoor has finally wrapped up and no silverware for any of the 3 teams although the Co Ed took it to the wire beating Wendells 11 in the quarters, the combination of lack of ladies and a 4 hour drinking session between games in the company of the lovely team Swingers (although they were drinking fruity stuff whilst we were on the beverages of our sponsors), did put the kybosh on our chances. Special thanks to Jo, Max and Holly especially M & H for playing in the late game against those nutters, SOBs. No recurrence of their antics last time but it was a bit chippy. Anyhow, they beat us but will probably get soundly beaten in the final against Benfica. A's played out their last game against Riverplate who had a few new young faces and they humped us 11 - 1. The game was played on our side in usual fashion, Parksey blaming every single goal on someone else and a general slagging taking place as we enjoyed the game and several pints after the game.

As you all know outdoor has started and our first pre season game last Sunday against Georgetown was a good turn out  for us even though we lost  5 - 2. As they were short players, they borrowed Jack, Ian Newman and Ray and these combined to score 2 or 3 of their goals so not all bad. Another run out this week on Sunday at Viccy Park, 10am against Streetsville. Mr G needs cash so make sure you show up and cough up. Few folks missing Sunday so everyone else be there. B's league fixtures to be handed out shortly but we anticipate first game will be Tuesday May 23rd.

And finally .. something for all our religious subscribers

Sunday April 30th 2006

Good evening all. Apologies for the late updates but things move quickly in the world of professional football and I've been busy. Indoor draws to a close - Thursdays B team lousy season finished with no entry to the play offs and the A's ends next week with a 7pm game against Riverplate but again no play off spot. Once again, the co ed team are our only hope of season silverware and they kick off their play off session next Saturday with a late game at 5.10pm against Wendells 11. As for last weeks results, just a Friday game against Real Lowfuss - with Les still struggling with a bum ankle Simon once again took a spot between the sticks. Unfortunately it was the wrong spot and they managed to stick 7 past him ... with the help of Paul and Warren.

Outdoor is just around the corner and Mr G, despite doing his bit for the WWF and climbing several thousand steps at the CN Tower, has arranged a few pre season games. Details below so clean off the screw in studs and polish off the golf clubs.

Sunday April 2nd 2006

A couple of recent snaps of games and Warren goosing Jane at the recent Banquet for the previous session. New this week, B's played to a 2 - 2 draw for their first points of the year against leaders Cosmos. A bit chippy but coming back from being 2 down, we did well and should in truth have won it. Hopefully Mr G will stop crying from the demise of Chelsea and pen a few words. Onto Friday and a late one, 11.30pm against Rookies. A big bunch of lads these but usually no bother. One guy, dancing on the ball got tackled fairly but tough by Russ and decided to whine about it and a few words were exchanged. A penalty, another crunching tackle, an elbow thrown by this guy and Sandy sends them both off. More words exchanged but nothing to worry about yet. However, the bonehead decides to wait for Russ and try and start a fight. Next minute, their team on the pitch decides to go and help their mate out - so its Russ versus this guy and 4 or 5 of his tough guy mates. Arseholes. Sorry for the language. We pile into it, to break it up, Mark gets thrown into a bench, Baz gets thrown into a concrete pillar and Sandy the ref gets thrown into the benches too. A couple of their guys seemed reasonable, but the rest of them just a bunch of arseholes who want to fight and show off their muscles. Why they feel the need to rip off their shirts I have no idea. Anyhow, an 11.30pm game and we get 15 minutes of footy as the game is abandoned. Hopefully they get thrown out for abusing the ref and we get the points. Incidental is the score, but we were winning 2 - 1.

Sunday March 26th 2006

Well what a weekend of footy. So lets get this straight. We play for fun right. We dont get paid, but we drag ourselves out from in front of the telly each week, muscles and bones aching. Strap on the old boots, shin pads and prosthetic limbs and chase a ball around for 40 minutes and then troop upstairs for a well deserved pint. Well that routine started off as normal this week. The B's on Thursday taking on the familiar faces of Riverplate. No keeper so the stalwart Mr G between the sticks. See his match report below. Only thing I am gonna say is that this match was fun. Mostly because of Mr G's own goal. But read on. A's had a bye on Friday so onto Saturday and Co Ed. Top of the table clash with SOBS and with a full team it looked good. However, that mix of youth, raging hormones in turmoil as they scream towards puberty - by the way that is them not us - is a deadly mix. A chippy game that ended up abandoned with 30 seconds to go, it really needn't be like this. They tried to push us around and whined and complained when they got it back. It got more and more niggly with the nuttiest moment of the match being one deranged bint, who pushed and shoved and shouted all he game and then decided to rake her nails down the face of one of our players. To be fair to them, the conduct centred around 4 or 5 players only, the rest of the team just looked embarrassed by the conduct of their teammates. The guys mainly and this one girl were an embarrassment. As the shouting and cursing by a small group of their team continued, one classy guy made the comment about how it was only down to them having a crappy keeper that we won. Nice to know they appreciate their team mates efforts. Children, who'd have them eh? Anyhow, we wont meet them again hopefully and their season will end as will the participation of these arseholes in future at Soccer City. Although incidental, we won 3 - 1 and never looked like losing this.

Onto Mr G's reports.

Thursday Match report or, "How I learned to love defeat as long as I take a dozen innocent victims with me".
 
Real Ale Madrid  3     Riverplate  6
Jack 2                         Paul G 1
Simon 1
 
It was a crisp and dry evening as I told Jeeves to lay out my clothes for hunt on the weekend at Madame Bovary's palatial winter home. As I pondered the upcoming events which culminate with the human hunt on Sunday when we take the shotguns and prey on beggars, tinker men and pikeys, my thoughts meandered to the previous evening and the farce that is rapidly becoming Real Ale Madrid over 30's indoor season. Let me take you back, gentle reader, to the game in which all hope of a playoff spot was virtually extinguished.
 
The evening started with such promise. A full squad was expected as no one had begged off with fake injuries, boring silly family commitments and work related endeavors. However all that changed when I strode jauntily into the private members area of the Versailles like Soccer City complex. At the table reserved exclusively for victims, I er, mean, members of the Real Ale Madrid squad and its extended family ( human cloning, DNA research and manure burning) I spied the following veterans of many a campaign. Simon, Rene, Jack and Louis. I rested easy knowing these fine gents were gathered for the battle. Many a time has Louis backed me up on the front lines. Sometimes he backs me up a little to well if you catch my Freudian drift. However, Jack informed those assembled that Ian, he of the many tattoo's of his hero The Mayor (hereby known as "The Gov") inked on his jumbly bits, was not coming. Apparently The Gov had got herself into a sticky situation involving cash kickbacks, one too many martini's and several little people in leather. At that moment I made an executive decision and let Ritchie know that he was indeed needed to, er, play. Good thing too as he was sitting at home naked bothering the wife to no end. With no Ian to, ehem, patrol the midfield with yours truly the tactics had to be hastily re-thought. As the 7.45pm kick off loomed it became apparent that goalkeeper and brand new daddy of baby Cooper (good thing Darren never owned a Hyundai Pony) was not coming either. That really threw a spanner in the works because if there is a worse goalie than Darren, it is me. But with none of the other, suddenly cowardly, players volunteering, it was down to me to strap on the gloves, the garter and spandex willy cover and take my place between the sticks. Rene quickly pointing out that the sticks in question were two drinking straws dropped inches apart on the floor of the bar and helpfully directed me to the goals downstairs on the field.
  Even with the depleted line up (Lynn, Ahmed, Paul M and Mark also were stupid enough to show up) I still felt confident that the 5 game losing streak would end. Of course I was confident it would become a bouncy new 6 game losing streak, but weirder things have happened. As the game progressed it became increasingly obvious that as a team we cannot shoot straight. Now that may be the case at home gents when trying to pleasure your partner, but here at football it is an altogether more serious problem. (Lynn is exempt from that last sentence for obvious reasons....or is she?....hmmmmm. Over to you Pat). From my vantage point (lying in our goal being fed grapes by the Soccer City management ensconced on a marble bust of myself posed as Zeus) it seemed we had about 30 shots during the game, but only about 6 actually hit the net and alas only three beating our old pal Marc in the Riverplate goal. Of course at the other end it seemed every Riverplate shot got by me somehow and even Jack managed a screaming own goal that was not my fault.( there was a bump in the pitch that took his back pass under the turf through a mole hole and into the net. Damn Soccer City groundskeeper!) Simon found that particularly amusing but he must remember his every move on the pitch causes howls of laughter from both teams every week.
 
So another loss as the team slides to oblivion faster that Sunderland and Man Utd. There is the Co-ed game Saturday to look forward to  (2.50pm kick off for the gents, 2.15pm for the ladies) and of course the AGM for the over 30's outdoor is tomorrow where I plead our case that we should be dropped to division 3 so Simon can once again score 4 goals in a game. So it is off to the hunt this weekend and I can finally yell "pull!" without getting funny looks from my co-workers.
 
Player of the game: Jack. A convoluted hatrick of sorts.

Another report from a few weeks ago - important because we play these next week.

Sunday March 19th 2006

Hello. Good evening and welcome. Brief updates again this week, tighty whities are out and boxers are in. Where to begin. B's  continue to lose. A's continue to lose. Co Ed continue to win. And thats about it. Darren and Jen welcome baby Cooper to their family and Chelsea got beat today and their slide into obscurity continues. Wont dwell on the results, A's played to a 5 - 4 loss but were carrying a couple of players half in the bag due to it being St Paddy's day. We should have beaten this lot but coughed up some crappy goals and missed a couple of good opportunities. B's had no game but Co Ed played the top of the league, a team that has only had 8 goals put past them in 5 games and we hammered them 9 - 1. Holly potted her 1st goal, Jane finally scored to break her unlucky run, Pat had a good game between the sticks and Mark almost scored until I deflected it with great skill past the already out of position goalkeeper. Some would say this was Marks goal, his battle for the ball and his fierce shot were well on their way to putting him onto the scoresheet - but I am unlike those some and will claim this as mine without any hesitation. And I write the website so who's he gonna complain to?

No game for A's this week but B's play at 7.45pm and Co Ed at 2.55pm so dont be late. A picture of the proud father and baby too.

Tuesday February 28th 2006

Amazing Race is back on. Silly people travelling round the world doling silly things. A bit like the Real Ale family. Quick updates this week, I have people to do and things to see - and the legs to pull off defenceless insects. Last couple of weeks have been a series of ups and downs - but enough of Mr G's social life -  how about the team I hear you cry (or sob) - well they lost last week and the week before. There. Happy. Good. Now onto things more enormous than Louis' groin pull. And remember he has a bigger membership than the French Playboy Society so a groin pull for him is like a flea blowing an elephant sized (steady) hamstring. One of the team has taken up a hobby - now this would normally be a good thing - rewarding, character building, relaxing - well it would be if it wasn't sewing. Yep - one team member, encouraged by his charming new lady friend, has decided to start embroidering. I'll let our Edmonton correspondent, Mr Roy of the Boyce, detail the problem whilst keeping Pauls identity a secret ... oh shit. Sorry.

The Bunny and the Quilt

There once was a bunny named Primesy. Being a thoughtful and considerate bunny Primesy's bunny companion Immat, decided that Primesy needed a quilt because of all the cool, fresh air coming into his borough. His borough was always cold because Primesy had a penchant for eating curried carrots and drinking fermented carrot juice. This would cause Primesy to eminate a strong odor from his backside that could kill if left in a confimed space such as a borough if not well ventilated.

So to keep his Immat happy he would go to see the strange hat wearing possoms that lived in the country. The possoms were a strange lot, not believing in the modern conveniences of life, but they made great furniture and made exceptional quilts. Off to the country he hopped in hopes of finding a nice quilt to keep Immat warm. He bargined with the possoms with shiney objects for the quilts, but the possoms being quite shrewed, and a little afraind of the homosexual....errrr...I mean metro-sexual Primesy, bilked of all his shiney objects he still did not have a quilt for his companion.

Primesy had to start selling himself on a street corner in the nearby town for wooden nickles to make more money for the quilts. Big bears and large Elks took advantage or poor Primesy and when he returned to the possoms his little bunny bum was sore from all the abuse. But all his work in the city had paid off and he had enough wooden nickles to get his Immat some nice quilts. He returned to Immat with the quilts, Primesy and Immat settled down in his borough where they cuddled under their new quilts while his little bunny bum healed.

The moral of this story:

Lapu Smegir is a Metro-Sexual Quilt buying Sally !!!!!!! (he's the one on the far right of the picture ... L - R Big Jeb (GK), AppleBlossonGrundysniffer (M), LilDaisyScrote (Wingback), Paul G (Water Carrier)

Wednesday February 8th 2006

Onto football new, new session has started so its time to dig into the coffers, look behind the fridge, down the cushions of the settee and in the pockets of the coat the dog peed on as Paul needs some cash. He will not be accepting any lame excuses this time either - now he is back in full time employment down the Greasy Flea & Weevil chip shop, he doesn't have the time to dress up in his trenchcoat, stick a rounders bat down his trousers and come knocking on your door - and the bat down the trousers is for threatening effect, not to enhance his 'man' profile. Pervs. He does however have time to dress up like Heidi the little Swiss girl but this is just his hobby and thats OK.

He has some questions for those players trying to break into this exclusive club check them out here and no cheating.

A recent picture too of Mr G entertaining his old mate Sir Sean Reid Connery at a recent charity game ... fancy a game Sir Sean? Bugger off, you shoot like one of yer Welsh mates (you know, like Tomas). Good try but what do you think of my Thunderballs? Dont worry, its just my undercrackers rucking up again.

Games this week, Thursday B's take on Cosmos at 7pm, Friday A's have got Riverplate and on Saturday, the coed mob take on Wendells 11. !2.35pm for this one so dont be late (and yes you DO know who you are).

Shocking views into L:iverpool FC's trophy room (and yes those are hubcaps).

Thursday January 19th 2006

Happy New Year. Have a nice summer? Autumn? Winter? Christmas? New Year? Hemorrhoid surgery? No - well that makes two of us. Well where to begin. Tuesday B's outdoor did not win anything. Sunday outdoor A's won the league. Lost the Cup. Onto Indoor. A's lost in the first round of the indoor playoffs for the Autumn session. B's lost in the first round of their playoffs. CoEd play in their first round play off this Saturday. Good news bad news for all 3 teams. A & B Good news - they made their play offs. Bad News - they didn't last very long (which for them was 40 minutes, for me its 4 minutes - and that includes ordering a pizza and the post coital ciggy). For CoEd, good news is that we won the league so make the banquet and have a chance at going all the way (which for them is another 40 minutes and me is a quick rub up against the back of yer legs as I go for the Mr Sheen Furniture Polish (we were out of red wine). Bad news is that centre forward and eye candy Mandy 'Hey Mr Physio it hurts real bad just here' Parkes was viciously scythed down by an unknown dust bunny and wont be available for the play offs (she is available for Tupperware and Anne Summers parties though). Reuters update on Mandy Parkes condition below.

Stay tuned for a resumption of normal service.  And a couple of snaps of a recent game.

Saturday September 10th 2005

Hello and welcome, brief updates only as I find you all very tedious sometimes. Its been a while but I will endeavour to update you all . Actually I cant be arsed so read on.

Monday August 1st 2005

Last weekend was a welcome break to allow joints to heal as the league was suspended for the long weekend. A recap since we last chatted. B's continue to lose. A's continue top lose. Is there a pattern forming here. Yes. Well done for spotting that genius. Anyhow, this week its back at it. A's take on Georgetown 1 in a tough game where we need players so if you can show up, show up. We need bodies - last week we had 13 including 3 people playing with injuries against one of the best teams in the league. B's played against Strela and well, we lost. Read Louis' report here. B's this week play on WEDNESDAY not Tuesday so take note. And bring beer whoever is supposed to.

And a word from Roy in response to the Gaffers blog last week: What is with the 10-12 showing up for the games? I thought we signed a good number of guys so this wouldn't happen. I know you all miss me but life and football do go on. The mourning of my departure should have been over by the time I last left you lot at the pub a couple of Sundays ago. I think maybe an inspirational speech from myself might help you out so here goes....
 
"Pull your heads out of your a**es!!!"

Friday July 22nd 2005

Its reached rock bottom. We cannot get any worse. I refuse to write about it. Read Louis and Paul's updates here about the B'. A's had their game against abandoned with Brampton abandoned due to some 'rain' with which the good folks at the city, the so called 'Parks and Rec Garden experts who said the pitch might be damaged due to the inclement weather. What a load of babbling bollocks. It was fine, we were winning down to a Big Trev header but it needs to be replayed. Anyhow onto this week and Mr G's summary.

Inspired by an anxious Roy begging for news I am compelled to scribble a few well chosen bon mots.

For the lads who played Sunday against MCM. Kudos all round. Starting with only 10 players against that team made a win almost impossible and a 4-0 loss seemed about right.  Sean, Ahmed and then Trevor showed up late to give us some subs. Bad news though, Ahmed is still hurting with a dodgy ankle and Paul C hurt the same leg he broke at the beginning of the year. As for the rest of the squad who did not show....I only have several words to say and none of them should be heard in polite company. So my deepest respect and admiration to Marc, Warren, Aubery, Mike, Dave, Paul C, Ray, Ahmed, Simon, Sean R (part time over 30 player now it seems) Russell, Trevor and I guess myself. The rest of you can take a flying leap off a high peer. Or something. Oh well. Let us hope we have a full squad for the next game, August 7th at home to the 1st place team in div 1. Georgetown. Man of the match without a doubt goes to Marc. Making his first appearance of the year, he was superb between the sticks.

Tuesday sees the Soccer City lads taking on Strella, a team made famous for getting a game abandoned against us earlier in the year while leading 4-1 because they told the ref something he did not want to hear about ancient distant relatives and barnyard animals. Or something. Anyway a win is essential this week. As is the beer. I am bringing. Who else is?

Long weekend coming up, over 30's are off.

cheers.

Thursday July 14th 2005

Update. Mr Boyce, the chap supposed to be on his way to Edmonton yesterday is currently still in Brampton. Whoops! Apparently he forgot his passport or something ... is this an omen. Nope. His cars just knackered and considering its a 2 day drive, he thought he may as well fly ... on Saturday.

Wednesday July 13th 2005

Well good evening. Its been a strange day when the dogs did howl and earthworms put themselves onto fishing hooks. Cats no longer fought with dogs but with hamsters. Dogs lay in the shade and cleaned their <ehem> nether regions. Roy is going off to Edmonton. Some might say good luck. Some might say good riddance. I will say he still owes me for the pint of milk I bought in 2003 but thats another story. Nonetheless we had a do for him on Saturday last and all got very drunk. As we were playing the 2nd place Milton Gunners the next day, it did not bode well. Turned out right as well. Anyhoo. Onto footie stuff. After the Tuesday loss to Ukraine a couple of weeks ago, the B's played a Cup Game against the youngsters of The Hitmen - 40C temps and 10 yes count 'em, 10 men - we played hard but went down 2-1 and gave 'em a run for their money. Louis report ici. Player of this Game was Trevor for getting sent off for a nothing challenge so he could retire to the air-conditioned pub across the road for a couple of scoops whilst watching the German international. Next day, A's took to the road on the 26th June down to Mississauga and the Irish. It was 40C again and they had 8 men - we won 4-1 and Pat Doyle made his debut in some lovely shiny boots. Got blisters, ran off a hangover and drank a few in the car park afterwards - typical Real Ale debut really - welcome aboard Pat. A couple of snaps here. Onto Tuesday the 28th and the rather oddly named Jockaroo - a young and tricky team and we beat them 18-2 with the ref calling it with 10 minutes to go. And yes you read it right. Louis sums it all up here. After a well earned retreat for the long weekend to the spa at Bancroft for a few of us to re-hydrate our livers by drinking very heavily, B's took on league leaders Redpath. Louis report here and we held them to a deserved 1-1 draw. Are things looking up for the B's - nope. Friday 8th was a mid season golf tourny and curry outing for the team - 9 Holes at Parkshore and a Ruby at our favourite haunt, the Bramtpon Tandoori and a few scoops at the Frigate after - smashing. Then the highlight of the week. Roy's bugger off party. Photos here. They tell the story, but a great time was had by all and many thanks to all who made Roy's send off a great time. Sunday was not a happy memory for several of us. On 4 hours sleep, a blood alcohol content that would knock the backside off a concrete rhino, we took to the field to play Milton Gunners, Picture this. I had the kit, was a little <ehem> late and the rest of the 9 lads were about to kick off in skins - yes no tops. So after I finished throwing up, we got the game underway and lost 3 - 1. Considering we had one sub and it was again 30 odd degrees I think we did rather well. Finally, Tuesday gone B's took on Honeywell and led early on then the wheels fell off. It got chippy and despite us seeing this may times over the years, I dont think I have ever seen how it ended. I'll let Louis regale it here but one thing this team AINT about is hurting people - the team ain't paying me enough for that. Well I shall turn it over to the gaffer, Mr G.

The Gaffer - July 11th

 After getting into bed (alone. sigh.) at 4AM, it was up at 8.30 after getting no sleep, due to all the sex that was going on in the house. Or was it in my head?  to go and sweat out all the booze at the game against Milton. Only 12 brave souls good and true showed up and 10 of those had been at Roy's. You can guess the result. However, only a few defensive errors led to Milton running out 3-1 winners and indeed if the ref had called a blatant penalty when Trevor was upended in the box (that was that booming shudder you all heard at about 11.30AM all over the GTA) and their keeper had not made some fine saves, it could have been 3-3. Kudos to all those who played through the hangover pain. Player of the game this time round goes to Roy. Not just because it was his last over 30's tilt, but he did have a great game at the back. He had to cover for yours truly several times and did so with aplomb. We will miss his fine tactical awareness, silky skills and 30 goals a year. Wait...something does not ring true there....After the game it was amazing the resilience shown by those who ended up back at the pub. Such courage and dedication was an awe inspiring sight.

Well done everyone and see you Tuesday or Sunday or both. We are back at home Sunday against local rivals Brampton. Tuesday sees the lads try and continue their fine play of late against the second place squad, Honeywell. Remember the team motto. BRING THE BLOODY BEER!!

Ahh. It is so good to be back at work! After a 2 1/2 hour drive home from Bancroft this morning, a shower and off to work. Does wonders for the system! .

It is going to be a busy upcoming weekend for the Real Ale dysfunctional family. Friday we have our golf day. I have booked four tee off times at Parkshore golf course (Steeles and Goreway). First tee off is 3.58pm. I have about 10 confirmed, anyone else coming let me know. After the golf there is a surprise 30th birthday party for our former teammate and now full time couch potato, Jay. Starts at 8pm at the Brampton legion on Elizabeth Street.

The next day is the Roy "Get out of town you miserable bugger" Boyce going away party. Festivites get underway sometime Saturday evening. Roy's address is 44 Darlington Crescent. This is a pot luck kinda thing, so bring some grub and beer. Those who have some lawn or camping chairs, bring those too if you can. After all this what could be better than getting up Sunday morning to play football? Game at home for the over 30's. 10AM kick off. Any one unable to make it, please let me know. ( Mike and Jack I know about already

The Gaffer - June 25th

A mixed bag over the weekend and I am not just talking about my date Saturday night who got a puncture. Saturday in the noon day sun saw 10 brave lads take on a team who's collective age does not even add up to the age of a pair of Simon's Y-fronts. For those who said they would be there and did not show up...for shame. Bow your heads to the lads who braved the 34 degree heat. Of course 10 quickly became 9 as Trevor gently pressed up against a 17 year old defender and was red carded. Trevor of course having an ulterior motive as Germany were playing Brazil at the same time and the draw of an air conditioned bar with cold beer was a better fit than sweating his whatsits off running around chasing kids. He can do that in his spare time. So down to 9 but still we battled bravely and only succumbed 2-1. Louis getting on the end of a wonderful team move to get it close at the end. So out of the cup in the soccer city league. Oh well.

On to Sunday and a battle for top spot against the Irish. However they are struggling for players and only showed up with 8. They did themselves proud though, creating a few chances and getting the game to 1-1 midway through the second half. Alas for them, we had 5 subs and the heat took its toll and we eventually ran out 4-1 winners. Yours truly opening my account on Sundays with my Ronaldhino impersonation. And I am not just talking about the massive overbite and gerri curls. Simon had the other (which I missed trying to procure more beer) and Ahmed continued his fine play on Sunday's with a brace at the end. So back to winning ways on Sunday. We have the long weekend off, but are back at home on the 10th.

Some team notes.  Those who still owe, I want all the money paid up by the 10th. Cheers.

On July 8th we have our golf day, 4pm Parkshore 9 holes and then some nosh after.

On July 9th is the Roy Boyce "we loved knowing you but bugger off out west" party. Bring your own beer, food, date, lube and toys. Yes, it will be that kind of party at Roy's house.

Tonight I go to plead Ray's innocence at the discipline hearing.

Tomorrow Tuesday lads take on some mob called Jokaroo??. Yum.
 

Wednesday June 22nd 2005

Evening all. Losses aplenty for the Real Ale Lads. A's lose again. B's lose again. A's still top of the league. Eh? Yep you heard it right. Despite 2nd loss on the trot, we still lead the division. Week before last, 10-1 (might even have been 11-1) to Mississauga West. What to say. We were shite. I didn't even blank out the word so disgusted am I. I deleted Paul's weekly update so anxious was I to rid my memory of the drubbing. Onto the B's. Louis talks it up here with some piccies too. Europa were the enemy. These are lads we have played against and some of us for in indoor with a few familiar faces. Bragging rights on the line. They got 'em. 2 - 0 loss. Game abandoned with 15 minutes to go due to lightning, so we sat under a tree and by the pylons as usual drinking to calm our nerves. Nuff said. Onto last Sunday for the A's against Brittania/Ching mix. A cup and league game together. A few missing, a few injured, could we repeat the pre season 2 - 0 win. Nope. They beat us 2 - 0. Onto B's last night against the mighty Ukraine. We needed a win like Louis needed a legover. Badly. However all we did was defend like Louis needed a legover. Very Badly. Another loss on silly, silly goals. He tells it like it is here. Upcoming games, Paul sets it up here so over to you Mr G and a picture of him in 'action' against Miss West.

Another week, another set of losses. Yesterday saw an injury ravaged over 30's squad attempt to overcome a full strength Brit/Ching coaches side in the league and cup double header. Missing were (deep breath) Simon, AWOL. Trevor, AWOL. Mark injured while building a spice rack. Marc on honeymoon. Dave injured while having dump. Paul C injured while watching Dave take dump. Chris AWOL. Pat AWOL. Jack AWOL.  Those AWOL all owe team fines ranging from a round at the pub to private services with team management. With only three subs and two of those hobbled a bit with injuries, it was going to be very tough. However, we held in there very well, battled all the way and any number of other clichés you can think of. Indeed we should have been ahead after 10 minutes as Ahmed broke free had a chance, then another, then Louis hit the crossbar and then... it seemed to go on forever until they cleared the ball. Half time, 0-0 and looking good. We began to tire visibly in the second half as the injuries took there toll. A free kick over the wall and a breakaway giving the coaches a 2-0 lead. However, the lads battled on and in the last 15 minutes could have and should have pinched a couple of goals. Ahmed again going close. So 2 losses in a row and out of the cup. However being out of the cup may be a blessing what with the scheduling mess that it usually is. Next Sunday it is back to playing teams in our division as we travel away to meet the Irish. Brampton lads are meeting at the Frigate at the 410 and Queen at 9AM. I will be travelling straight to the game. Map attached.  KIck off is 10AM. Anyone not making it let me know.

Player of the game. A few candidates here. Ray for sweeping well at the back, Richie for showing up and digging in well. But player of the game goes to Ahmed who could have had a hatrick but was always willing to run into space and take players on. The Ahmed we all know and love!! (well not "love" love.. but you know what I mean. Well some of you do anyway)

Tuesday squad misfortunes were documented well by Louis last week. This week sees the lads take on Ukrainia Tuesday and start a long and glorious cup run on Saturday. 12PM Soccer city.

Important notes. Could someone meeting at the Frigate print off a couple of copies of the attached map and hand them out?

Monday June 6th 2005

Phew. Well where to begin. Brief update to the end of the indoor season. Not one team made it further than the initial play off games. On a lighter note, Louis puts pen to paper here on a couple of characters from his Eurpoa adventure and well worth a read they are too. 'Louis is Rubbish', Living in Sid's Shadow. And before we get on the gaffer's weekly update, Louis' match report from last Tuesday's debacle is here. Read on. And to show how well our pre-season fitness regime is along with our 'cool' training apparel, over to Mark McDonald. Ehem.

As for other news, over to Mr G for his weekly update.

The first in a series of Monday updates to let the world at large now how the squad is fairing. A very successful start to the over 30's campaign has seen Real Ale take an early lead atop of division 1A after two wins over rivals for the championship Ebony and Miss. Cougars respectively.

Ebony details have been posted already. Yesterday in the blazing heat and with only three subs, Real Ale managed to hold off a skilful but poor finishing Cougars squad. Of course our finishing left something to be desired as well. The final score could have been 6-3 if the forwards on both teams have found the net with a bit more of a lethal attitude. As it was Real Ale jumped out to a 2-0 lead courtesy of Louis with his first over 30's marker and Trevor banging in a rebound from a corner. The second half saw the heat take its toll on Real Ale and the Cougars ( all Indian lads so the heat was of no consequence to them) started to dictate play, finally scoring after some inept defending. However, Simon, recovering from a blow to the cheek that made him look like he was storing peanuts in his gob, finally managed to kill off the game with a sharp finish. So a 100% start to the season against league rivals which is good because the next two games are against much tougher opposition from the top division.

Man of the match. A few contenders here. Trevor for his work rate up front, Ray for his ability to switch from forward to sweeper in the blink of an eye after Warren's injury and Aubery for some fine defending. However this weeks gong goes to Louis. A fine finish, lots of speedy running and a willingness to get back and cover even when thrust up front makes him this weeks MoM.

Now on to the lackadaisical Tuesday team. New blood is being drafted in as we speak as young Chris who impressed in his first indoor season makes his bow tomorrow and ancient over 30's old boy Rennie may be adding his defensive prowess to the team. Hopefully those who missed last week will make an appearance as well as a second loss on the trot will not be acceptable to team management. No need to re-hash last weeks debacle as Louis did that succinctly with his match report last week.

Note from accounting.... Keep the money flowing....

cheers

Paul Grimes, Director of Fossils and Antique Footballers, Real Ale Madrid Museum of Barnyard Oddities.

Friday May 20th 2005

The upcoming season. What to expect etc...zzzzzzzzzzz

Over 30's.

Much the same as last year with new additions Louis, Ahmed, Russ and Marc bolstering an already decent squad. Other new signings Greg and Alex have so far been absent without leave. Players leaving with a swift kick up the arse were Paul Lamb, Sean Reid, Rich Norris and Alan Buloch. We wish them well. Sean and Rich will be joining our Tuesday team. Having been booted up a division there will be no easy games this year, but team management is expecting a top 3 finish in Div 1A. Perhaps that is asking a lot of the players since fitness seems to be a concern to several returnees. Warren, Trevor and the mirror I am not looking in your direction. Team tactics will not differ much, but on occasion we may revert from 4-4-2 to 4-5-1 against some of the more flashy skillful teams and get bold with 4-3-3 when goals are required. Up front this year we can count on (cough) the talents of Ray, Simon, Trevor, Jack, Warren and Ahmed. Ahmed having the ability to play just about anywhere. Simon will drop to midfield on occasion and Louis is an option with his speed. Midfield sees Mike, Aiden, Ian, Biff, Paul C, Paul M, Paul G, Louis, Mark (if he ever shows) and Ahmed fighting for the 4 or 5 spots. IF Alex ever appears, he too can play there. Defence will be led by Dave, Aubery, Roy (unless the cowboys get him), Russ, Warren, Chris, Greg (if he ever calls me) and possibly Pat Doyle, Lynn's hubby. Goalkeeper this year is Marc. However he can only start playing in July. Roy will deputize unless he gets his spurs on. In that case, we may rotate players within the squad to play in goal. Warren and Trevor are the obvious candidates, but I can play there too if need (stop laughing). With that, I wish you all good luck and cheer and see you next Sunday. (FA Cup tomorrow at the Clock don't forget)

Tuesday squad.

We have lost (some would say given away for a pint of lukewarm beer) Mario, Phil and Albert. We have gained Rich and Sean Reid. Apart from that, it is the same squad, minus Jeff unfortunately, that did so poorly last year. Darren has consented to play in goal, but after a few games he may rue that decision. Defence will be creaking under the weight of Warren, Louis, Roy (see above), Sean R, Rich, Thomas, Paul G (sometimes) Mark (sometimes) Ahmed (sometimes) Paul M (sometimes) I see a distinct lack of pace in the back this year except for Ahmed and Paul M. Midfield sees the varied talents of Ian, Sean Reid, Karsten, Paul G, Mark, Steve, Paul M, Simon (yes, sometimes) Louis (on occasion) and Ahmed. Upfront we welcome back perennial top scorer Jack to ply his trade with Trevor, Baz, Simon, Warren, Ahmed and Sean Reid By my count that is 19 for Tuesdays. Perhaps I am missing someone? Hmmmm. Sorry if I am.

Fee's for Tuesday are not yet confirmed, nor is the date of our first game. If I was to guess on both I would say $120 per player and May 31st first game. However, if we do only have 19 players for Tuesday the fee may go up. I will let you know. Cheers,

Paul Grimes, Director of Fossils and Antique Footballers, Real Ale Madrid Museum of Barnyard Oddities.

Wednesday May 11th 2005

Cycles. Lance Armstrong rides one. I had one knicked once. A chopper it was, made by Raleigh. Washing machines rely on them. Frenchmen in Beret's with strings of onions chase women on them. Life is one. Where am I going with this. Nowhere. Its just that the Cure playing Boys Dont Cry is on the stereo. Where did those years go? Young. Innocent. The music mattered. No American Idol bollocks. Hang on, run out of the old red vino. Back in a mo. Right back again with fresh glass. Work looks like a bit of a write off tomorrow. Where was I. Ah yes, reminiscing about years gone by, better times, happier times. Why do we get older? OK, a reality check. Its 12.38am. Up at 6.20am for work. Probably not. Why am I trying out a new writing style. Cos I feel like it and Chelsea won the league. I'm pissed and dont mind admitting it. Now its the Sex Pistols with Pretty Vacant. So onto the footy. Play offs in the indoor. A's won their game last week against Usual Suspects 8 - 4 to take them onto play off competition against Karpaty this week. All are required so you better be there. 8.30pm KO. B's went into a tough play off game against Ukrainia last week but had a great bit of news, with long term injury Jack returning to the fold. The fact he was not signed did not matter. Out for almost 12 months with knee surgery it was great to have him back. A protest from Ukrainia did not matter, we said f**k it, he should be playing. If we won (slim) they could have the game. We did not win but Jack got to play so who cares. We lost 5 - 3 by the way. Onto Co Ed - a strange one this. More talent on our team, we should have murdered Stu Catz but could not get a goal. They scored 2. Thats it.

Onto outdoor. A's are playing a few pre season friendlies. A couple of weeks ago, the bravest of the brave played in the peeing down rain in a true 'old country' winter game against Brampton. A win 2 - 0 although it was just a run out for those that turned out. Last Sunday, we played Ching, a much more difficult task. They had a good squad but we beat them 2 - 0. This bodes well for the A's who are boasting a strong squad with some new faces.

And finally a message from our leader, Mr G

Monday May 2nd 2005

Well here we are again, the end of the indoor and the start of the outdoor. A miracle (thanks Cardinal Fang). Results from last week or since we last spoke. Last Thursday B's needed at least a draw against 68ers to secure a play off spot and continued their good form to secure the 1 point needed. 1 - 1 this one. Mr G tells the story here.  A's had no game so a rest here for the weary limbs - Co Ed needed a win to secure a play off spot - and  a miracle (thanks Cardinal Fang), they picked up a win. 4 - 2. More details on all the goings on shortly.

Thursday April 21st 2005

Off  to the races. Pope elected. Many jokes to be posted. Apologies but dont read it if you dont find us poking fun at 'Il Papa' funny. Footy news first. A's played the rather oddly named FC Dracula on April 8th and beat them 4 - 3 to keep them on the play off trail. B's played Ukrainia on April 7th. Now this mob, nice lads the majority of them, have been tearing up the league. Last time we met they hammered us 12 - 2. They have not lost. We have been getting beaten by the lowest teams in the league. We lost right. Wrong. Storming out the blocks, we hammered 'em 4 - 2. Must be something to do with old JP2 looking down on us. Thanks Big J, rest easy down there old son. I mean up there. Ehem. Moving swiftly along, Co Ed did not play so back to A's on April 15th who played Riverplate. A win would keep us ticking along but we stammered to a 4 - 3 loss. No excuses here, we were crap. B's did not play this week and so onto Co Ed last Saturday, April 16th. We were down to play league leaders Spongettes. A few of the girls were supposed to be missing and after a 8 something loss to this mob last time, things did not look good. However, once again JP2 was obviously maintaining his positive attitude to RAMFC as He led us to a battling 5 - 5 draw. A  cracker this one, with the supposedly missing ladies showing up last minute. Good show girls. That pretty much brings us up to date. We had an outdoor friendly a week last Sunday, against the over 40's mob. Result does not matter, it was good to get outdoors again although Simon and one or two others found their outdoor legs a little shaky to say the least. Some pictures here.

Another outdoor game this Sunday, Greenbriar at 10am. No opposition named yet, I think Paul G is not telling us to keep us on our toes.

Wednesday April 6th 2005

Good evening. Just a quickie tonight. A's got hammered last week 9 - 4 by the tricky CSC. These lads think they are the best in the world. Shame their talent allows them to play against teams like us on a Friday night but their turn at mediocrity will come. Russell got a bad injury and we have just received the Dr's report - a sex change has been suggested but the team funds can only stretch to a damp cloth. Sorry Russell. Get well soon mate, outdoor is round the corner. B's took on the bad lot of Siemens in a match that was billed as the equivalent to 'Custer's Last Stand'. It turned out to be a good game. One armpit on their team consistently shows himself to be someone Soccer City should get rid of - moaning and coming out with racist comments, he even called me a bloody Englishman - surely my tan gives me out to be a bloody Greek Adonis. Anyhow, we beat 'em 3 - 1. Mr G's match report here. Highlight of the game, Lynn's deft chip over the keeper on a one on one to give her her first goal ... err well ever for us. On Saturday, Coeds took on Stu Catz who were well short of players and as a result, they beat us 5 - 3. Not a bad performance but they had a couple of tricky players and they scored some good goals. No game next Saturday for the Co Ed, B's take on the mighty Ukraine and need a result to stay in play off (yes play off) contention and the A's take on the rather oddly named FC Dracula. 7.45pm Thursday and 10pm Friday so don't be late.

Some other news. Outdoor there is our annual pre season friendly at 10am at Norton park on Sunday morning against the over 40's mob - anyone welcome if you fancy dusting off the screw ins and partaking of a beer in the car park afterwards. I'll give more details soon about the upcoming outdoor season, but the admin is well under way and the season should kick off in about a month or so. Finally, Mr G put pen to paper to report on the passing of His Holiness the Pope. Regular readers will know that, as with our Throbbing Vein Interview a couple of years ago, we are big Vatican watchers. However, although we regret him kicking the bucket, as with football and indeed life itself, we look upon this event from a comedic aspect. What I am trying to say in a very poor way is that Paul wrote this piece of comedy not to be taken seriously. So that being said *** WARNING*** do NOT enter here if you are offended easily by humour of the anti religious kind (its not actually anti religious, its just well funny). Anyhow here it is. Oh and it was done JUST before he kicked the buck, I mean passed on.

Sunday March 27th 2005

Happy Easter. A brief update this weekend, just off to the battle cruiser for a swift Easter half. No game again for A's this week, due to the Good Friday holiday. B's took on Riverplate, fellow basement dwellers, and needed a win to maintain any hopes of a play off spot. They lost 3 - 2 in a scrappy game, Grimesey continuing to knock 'em in with one or two scored. I forget actually how many. So out of the play offs unless we win all 4 remaining games and as one of these is against Ukrainia who hammered us 12 -1 a few weeks back, it dont look good. Oh well, we play our brothers, Siemens next week so that should get the blood pumping. A half eleven kick off but we want everyone there as this team need a good thumping (footballing wise only of course, ahem). Co Ed took on Wendells 11 in a scrappy game too this week. We should have won as we had more subs that the American navy ... see the photo... but they played hard and the game was tied at 4 each. Parkesey and Grimsey banged in a few, Jodie playing well in nets, saving a 3 on 1 on one occasion. Next week we play a tough one against Stu Catz. 5.10pm kick off so dont be late.

Money is dribbling in slowly (imagine Roy trying to eat melon, you get the idea) but keep it coming. Outdoor meetings are under way, new kit is on order, white with blue trim Umbro, should be good. So, as the snow melts, revealing all the crap that winter brings, mud, litter, brown grass, no greenery anywhere and those keys I dropped shovelling the driveway last October (bast**d), we move slowly towards the end of indoor and the start of outdoor. Spring is around the corner so dust off the lawn chairs, break out the cool box for Tuesday night games and good afternoon to all.

I told you coed had a bunch of subs           

Friday March 18th 2005

Some links added. Co ed game against Gunners (won 3 - 2) from last week here. A's game against Nomads here (Drew 2 - 2 - 2 weeks ago). A's last week against bottom of the league Bosnia here (loss 3 - 1). And B's game against Acroturn last night here (won 4 - 2). This one was a cracker for St Paddy's day and with a full line up (even Ray was here with his cell phone - you know what I mean) things looked good from the start. Then Roy let a howler dribble past him along the boards. Down 1 nil. Another goalmouth scramble and 2 nil. What was going on. Full strength, knocking the ball about, some nice touches. Then we figured it out -  just batter the ball into the net with any part of the body you can. Ray got a screamer back to 2 - 1, Karsten just bulldozed through about 20 people in the box to force it across the line to make it 2 - 2, Simon stopped a roof shot with his face to make it the most stupid move of the night, mighty mouse Mal used his face to force the ball through 2 defenders and the keeper to make it 3 - 2 and Newman finished them off with a lovely strike in the last minute. A win finally for this team. No game tonight for the A's (or next week - Good Friday Bank Holiday) and the Co-Ed game is postponed for tomorrow night.

Other news, cash is still required so pay up to play up. There is a Saturday night sharabang in downtown Toronto, starting with cocktails (a pint of mild and a pickled egg) at Grime's new Bloor Street bachelorette pad early Saturday evening. All are welcome.

A couple of  snaps too. Mandy with her subs bench impression of the game thus far, Grimesey showing why he's only half the man he used to be - he has no left arm or leg -ha ha and myself, back from injury beating a opposing player with so much speed, my undies have not caught up with me yet ... that's what the bloke is looking at I think.

Wednesday March 16th 2005

To all out Italian friends ... Guten Abend.  To all our Spanish Friends ... HELLO. To all our Jewish friends ... Mozzietoff. And with all the bisexual, I mean bilingual greetings out of the way, onto footie news. A's got beat (what's new) by the worst team in the league. Ouch. I don't think anyone will want me to regale the story of this one. 3 - 1  the score and although I've said it before, this was the worst game of football I have ever played in. B's did not play. Co Ed won thanks to Jamie's 2 goals bringing us back from the brink. Snaps here. Other news. Not much. Co ED game postponed this week as we have an appointment with the stars so most of the team (well the engine room) will be missing. Only game is Thursday at 8.30pm .. the girls are coming in as its St Paddy's day and nothing says lets have a laugh like watching this team play. Later my people.

Wednesday March 9th 2005

A quick update this week. A's drew 2-2 with fellow bottom feeders Nomads, a big bunch of lads, who enjoyed putting themselves about a bit. Nothing wrong with this, more disappointing was the lads of the A's moaning at the ref about being pushed and shoved a bit. Instead of getting on with it we preferred to moan and wail. That's my rant out of the way. Some moments in this game and not a bad performance, Simon getting his first game back after a month out and looking about as at home as Michael Jackson at a slumber party ... for adults. Lost, crap passing, bad changes and this was just his dress sense. Other performances of note. None. However onwards and upwards. B's did not play. Well, they did. They got beat 12 - 1 by the throng that is Ukrainia. Most important to note here. It was 8 nil after 10 minutes. Roy was in nets (and he played goalie too). Their best player was not a day over 20. He wore white ladies Wal Mart pumps with flowers. What's wrong with this I hear you cry. Nothing we retort apart from the fact that its OVER 30's. If these people want to win the league that bad, by bringing in under age players, go for it. Just don't be surprised if these kids get lifted when they want to bang in goal number 13 with 3 seconds left to go.  Oh and Lynn almost scored on Dio. I suppose hitting the post is worth a mention for the person who has caused more damage to the nets above the boards than below them. Co Ed did very well against Licks. Missing a few folks, like Jane who was away (now back) undertaking her community service at the 'Centre for Little Orange Arthritic Geckos' (or CLittOriGs) in Florida and others we know not where. They ran out to a 5 - 3 loss but this is not too shabby against the Licks mob.

Other news. I do have some photos of the game against Nomads but will post them shortly. I also have some photos of Simon's rehab - its basically lots of Americans throwing water on what they think is a beached Beluga whale - insensitive basta*ds, its not his fault he's as pasty and fat as errr, well, the rest of the team. Paul G requires money. The teams owe and we need to pay it. He also moved house and a BIG thanks to all those who showed up to help him move his 2 pot plants, 3 books on origami and 4 pairs of undercrackers. Oh yes that's right, it was just me and Roy. That's about it for now.

Thursday February 24th 2005

Not much new this week, a few complaints that the site is not being updated quickly enough - we welcome all kinds of feedback as long as its not critical. Mr G needs some cash for the teams from this session so please start paying up before the heavyweights of Soccer City start seizing Paul's assets (although he might actually enjoy someone seizing 'em, its been awhile). From last week, a great second half against a very tricky and very young Karpaty team still resulted in a 6 - 2 loss but take away a couple of silly goals we coughed up and we would have been right in this one (especially n the second half against probably one of the best teams in the league). No shame in this one. We need a goalscorer and I'll be back soon (sorry did I say that out loud). A new face with Chris joining us, adding some youth, speed and an extra person to buy a round, he's very welcome, especially with Damo and Louis starting to catch the rest of us up with age and now both starting to look a bit rough around the edges (dont worry lads its perfectly normal once you have played with this team for a while). B's had no game and are still seething about the ruckas with Siemens a few weeks ago - they play before us at 7pm this week so it should make for a few fireworks in the bar pre and post game! Co-ed, well, the new team is settling in after its second session and the results seem to be starting to come our way - last week a 3 - 1 win, with a couple of players missing, Jen stepped in to help out and had a cracker in front of hubby and daughter. Mr G is now digging deep into team coffers to convince her to play every week - its either this or Roy or Mark dress up as a woman and having seen them in the shower, this is just too terrible a thought to even contemplate. A few pictures of the co-ed game below. This week, no game for the A's, B's take on Nomads at 7.45pm and the Co-Ed have an early one at 2.05pm against Licks - lets hope they dont get a pasting (you didn't think I was going to say licking did you)...

A couple of snaps from the Co-Ed here and the Karpaty game here. Oh and just for you Jen, the co-ed team list has been updated. Team photo to follow shortly along with player bios.

Friday February 18th 2005s

Just a quick one for the time being, results on the menu - I'll update properly tomorrow. Money though is due again for all three teams so come on, cough up - and Roy, I dont mean the stuff you hack up in the morning. Fixtures page has also been updated.

A couple more snaps of the co-ed game from a week or so ago.

Tuesday February 8th 2005

Well, its been a few weeks but all the sessions have kicked off and the teams are consistent. Nobody has won yet. Three teams and not one chuffing win. To make matters worse, my leg is pooched so I have to watch from the touchline. I cannot tell you how much fun this is. On the plus side, well there's Paul but that's just what the label in his clothes says. Sorry Paul but you are a Chelsea fan. Results - cant be bothered, check out the results section from the front page. A loss for the B's when they should have done better, far far better - a lacklustre, sad, pathetic performance your are never likely to see. A's were going to do better right - wrong - they had lots of play, lots of chances and could not put the ball in the net. And what about the co-ed. Yes the co-ed - this is the second session for this team and we believe they have now graduated to the  level to be allowed on this site. I will add the team list shortly as well as the schedule. Playing some teams with truly bizarre names, some truly vicious women, some truly shi*e jokes about the girls showering with the blokes and more nipple action than a plumber with a large amount of nipples to errr, service, this team is definitely the hope for the future of Real Ale - why? I have no idea. Next games are posted, pictures are available of the co-ed game from last Saturday and will be posted as soon as I sober up. But for now that's it. This is a problem? Tough. Adios.  

Saturday January 15th 2005

Shocking news. Terrible news. As if the world hasn't suffered enough. B's lose the play offs against the 68ers? Yes but its worse than that. Roy and Warren have come out of the closet and want to have babies? No its not as bad as that. The photos of the end of outdoor season do and the New Years Eve bash are available. And I'll be the first one needing therapy as I was the one that had to scan 'em. Footie news first. B's got beat in the play offs despite a plucky performance.  A 1-0 lead for the majority of the game, a couple of giveaway goals and some truly dreadful refereeing meant that was it for the lads and lasses. Paul does what he does best (that daft drag back I hear you ask), why no, check it out here.

Now for those of you who haven't eaten and have a strong stomach, and are over the legal age for viewing what can only be described as pictures of a most disturbing nature, you can check the pictures out here...if you dare.

Saturday January 8th 2005

Hello, good evening and welcome. Its FA Cup day and the biggest shock was that Oldham only beat City 1 - 0. You'd have thought it would be at least 3 or 4. Anyhow, how about a joke to start off. Little lad is at school and the teacher asks them to write about how they spend their weekend. Little Billy raises his hand and says he cant write anything as he doesn't do anything at weekends. Why not the teacher asks. Well, mum left and I live with me dad, and he goes out every Saturday so I just stay at home. Well, write about what your dad does. I'd rather not miss, replies Billy, its very embarrassing. Really asks the teacher, very interested, what does he do. Not sure Miss, says Billy, but he comes home Saturday night in womens clothing, covered in lipstick. Really, asks the teacher. Nah, not really, he goes watching Man City but its less embarrassing than telling people he goes to City. Hah Hah.

Onto Real Ale stuff. Its been a couple of weeks, but I've been back to Blighty and forgot to take the files to update whilst I was away. Since we last spoke, A's have had no games due to the schedule finishing - they should have played last night but Radknickers dropped out of the game. B's on the other hand played on the 23rd against 68ers and although they played well, even without me, they lost 3 - 2. The following week, they played Riverplate and walked away easy winners at 5 - 1. Onto the play offs next week.

Finally, the Christmas season has come and gone, much like the players talent and girlish figures. The Christmas Eve bevvy was well attended to kick off the Christmas season. Roy and Melinda's New Year Eve bash was a massive success with the drink flowing and the clothes being removed (by Mark) - pictures are available and will be posted shortly. And with reference to our headline, see if you can spot the celebrity Real Ale player playing the pink flute (no comments).

Recognise this talented star?

Saturday December 18th 2004

Good afternoon, just finished watching United hammer Crystal Palace and Chelsea get a lucky victory against Norwich. Anyhow, onto more important things. Thursday, 'B's took on Acroturn and won a hard fought game 3 - 2. This keeps them in 3rd place and a play off spot whilst Friday, 'A's took on top of the leaguers, CSC. A 9 nil drubbing last time they met and only 5 lads 15 minutes before kick off, things did not bode well. A few late arrivals and A's started with 2 subs. Now CSC are a tricky team but we played a hard game and hustled them well, tying it up to 4 - 4. A jammy rebound with 10 seconds to go and they pinch it. A good performance though against some tricky kids. A couple of pictures included.

A few other things to note, the annual Christmas Eve bevvy at the Clock n Hen kicks off at 2pm and a good turn out is expected.  Also, the A's game on January 7th has been forfeit by Radnicki. They dont need the result so ain't showing up.  A kick around could be planned or a make up game but stay tuned. We may also have a Boxing Day tournament at Ken Giles for those wanting to run off the Chrimbo turkey.

Happy Christmas from the Real Ale family and all the best for you and your footy in 2005.

Sunday December 12th 2004

Not sure where to start really. Since July (see archived news section), the outdoor finished, 'A's finishing well in the league and playing in the League Cup Final winning a couple of great games to get there. Meeting Georgetown in the final, a Mike Sharda strike in the fist 5 minutes put us in the lead which we held until the 1st minute of injury time. Fill in the remaining yourself. They scored. Extra time. We hit the bar, a goal line clearance off a Parkesy header and they pinched a daft goal so we lose it.

Since this game in a very mild October, indoor has kicked off and has gone, well, as to be expected really. The Thursday 'B's has gone over 30's as Soccer City introduces its first over 30's league and the A's take on the usual suspects in the Friday night league. Waist lines are the same, drinks feature heavily and the slagging is something fearsome but hey, thats what we do.

So I'll skip the results from the balance of the summer. A potted history of what happened since July.

Paul Grimes is still unemployed unless you count running two football teams as a full time job.

My entire family show up. My brother in law and future bother in law feature in a couple of games - we win one and lose the rest ... go figure.

I have to take aforementioned brother in laws to Niagara Falls - its still as crap as it was on the 8th escorted visit I made there. I now have my own bench in the riverside park.

Paul Grimes is still unemployed.

We win some games. We lose some games.

Tomas is still a homo. Will he ever come out (just kidding big boy, I mean darling, I mean Tomas)

Baz, amazingly, still has no muscle mass on his legs but can still run despite having more pulls than a Frenchman outside a brothel.

Mario is now over 15 stone. Roy still loves him.

Paul Grimes is still unemployed.

We are now at September (ish).

The Cup Final blah blah blah - see moan above.

October

Guess what. Grimesy found out .... he cant retire officially until he's 65. He still has no job. he writes a little diatribe as, in the words of the Sex Pistols, 'he's got f**k all else to do'. Read it here.

Indoor Starts ... where did the summer go. The end of season Golf and Curry Tourny is held at Kleinburg. My computer craps out and I lose all the photos (sorry) apart from the one on the main menu with Martin sticking his Madras and Kingfisher encrusted tongue out, taken on my mobile.

Stats are published that show some shocking stuff. Burgess Grimes wins the 'B' team top goal scorer. Burgess Tick wins the 'A' team top goal scorer.

Indoor races ahead. Grimes still out of work.

November

Indoor, outdoor, Grimes gets a job, End of Outdoor season do, democracy in the Middle East, a cure for cancer HANG ON - Grimes got a job. Jesus.

End of season bash. Well remembered by some. Burgess Aiden wins Player of the Year for 'A's and Burgess Grimes wins Player of the Year for 'B's.

December

Right you are now up to date. I'll try and keep up from now on.