REAL ALE MADRID

                    CHARTER OF RIGHTS and PRIVILEGES &

                                    MISSION STATEMENT

(For the purpose of this document and to avoid legal ranglings, REAL ALE MADRID will be called RAMFC whenever the club is mentioned in this dubious undertaking)

1) Every player has the right to "take the piss" out of every other player that is currently, used to play for, or will ever think about playing for above-mentioned team.

2) Every player will drink BEER prior to kick off, in the car park after and/or at the pub after the game.

3) All BEER will either be of PREMIUM and/or IMPORT quality.

4) There will be no "rogering" in the shower without prior written or verbal consent of the parties engaging in fore mentioned activities (unless it's Louie).

5) Paul Grimes is not allowed to try and make his famous 50-yard cross field passes that only make it 30 yards.

6) Simon Burgess is not to be abused verbally for his inability to stand for periods longer than 2 minutes.

7) Roy Boyce is the world's most handsome 'gentleman' cat burglar.

8) Personal epitaphs will from hereon after not be allowed on the RAMFC Charter of Rights and Privileges.

9) The RAMFC brute squad will vigorously enforce attacks on players of weak moral fibre.

10) RAMFC Brute squad consists of the Siblings of Warren Parkes.

11) Racial harmony will be considered AT ALL TIMES.

12) All team players and officials must show due respect and concern for the community when on duty for RAMFC. Pissing behind the pub is to be frowned upon. Vomiting on referees is only allowed under certain stringent conditions. IE: A throw in goes against RAMFC.

13) Team blazers are to be worn at all times when attending the funeral of players tackled by the RAMFC defenders

14) Team kit will consist of a shirt (preferably of the football variety) shorts that leave little to the imagination and socks with suspenders a la Eric Morcombe. The colours of this ensemble are at the players discretion. As long as the equipment manager at the time can remember to bring the shirts, then all else is a massive jumble of clashing colours and hues.

15) Sex with spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, concubines and au pair girls from Parisian brothels of teammates and officials of RAMFC is frowned upon. Sex with spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, concubines and au pair girls from Parisian brothels of the opposition is de rigueur.

This Charter of Rights and Privileges was prepared under the auspices and patronage of the following generous benefactors:

Archbishop John Wright. Duke of Old Trafford Martin Wilson. Town Crier of Stockport Simon Burgess. Duchess of Normandy Roy Boyce. Viscount M.C. Paul Grimes. Thomas J. McGinty, Princess of Celtic. William of Orange Jr. Mark MacDonald. Mary of Orange Jr. Jay MacDonald. 9th Wife of Henry VIII, Jack McNulty. Mayor of Brampton, Ian Newman. Tutor to all the above, Paul Mallon.