Pope John Paul II clings to life and a buxom
maiden of virtue true
The Pope asked not to return to hospital for treatment since he still owesfor 2
packs of suppositories pinched in a nurse panty raid during papal
initiation
Pope John Paul II's health has taken a turn for the worse, the Vatican said.His
breathing is shallow, his blood pressure is low and he is having
difficulties with both his heart and his kidneys, a spokesman said. But on the
positive side he did get a stiffy when an young choir boy moistened
his lips with some hemp lip balm
Millions of Catholics around the world have been praying for the Pope, and a
special Mass=EMc2 was being played by Big Audio Dynamite, as the latest
news was announced.
The Vatican has made three statements in one day and is very tired after all the
effort and asks you to all give as much as possible when the
collection plate comes round as the Pope owes a few to men in shiny suits. They
seem to be preparing Catholics to expect the worst. Of course Catholics believe
in life ever after so all this balling about some old geezer kicking it seems
rather odd.
Cardinals (Or Blue Jays, which ever screeches the loudest) - who will elect a
new pope - are arriving in Rome from all over the world and beyond, the
Italian media have reported.
The Pope's vicar said the pontiff was already "at one" with Jesus Christ. Jesus
Christ was quoted as saying "Geroff!!"
He "already sees and touches the Lord," Cardinal Camillo Ruini told thousands at
a Mass in Rome's St John Lateran cathedral. "He also touched
me" mumbled a nun in a cloister
Another senior clergyman, Angelo Comastri, told crowds in St Peter's Square:
"This evening or this night, Christ opens the door to the Pope." Must
be a bloody long line up if it takes all day to get in" grumbled one club going
patron at the back.
Vatican spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls said on Friday evening that the Pope's
overall condition had been "notably compromised by his inability
to control his bowels, stomach and foul language".
"Do not feel shame at showing your emotion and at shedding tears" said
Cardinal Fang. "I have the comfy pillow at the ready for those who
don't" But he added that the Pope was visibly participating in prayers around
his sickbed. He also played a mean game of Chinese checkers and was seen to
get maximum points in a fun game of Twister against the rest of the Holly See.
The Pope's condition deteriorated on Thursday after he developed a urinary tract
infection that later brought on "septic shock and a cardio-circulatory
collapse and forgetting to clean out his litter box"
He was given the Catholic sacrament for the sick and dying - called the
Anointing of the Sick. This basically boils down to some buxom nun placing a
moist towelette on his bonce and giving his holy stick a good wash.
But the Pope decided not to return to Rome's Gemelli hospital cos of all the
protestant wankers taking up all the beds with sexually transmitted
diseases.
He was being treated in his apartment by a team of four top consultants and his
private doctor Renato Buzzonetti. The four top consultants are
experts in the field of metallurgy and ancient weaponry. What they were doing
there is a considerable puzzle.
On Friday morning, the Vatican said that though gravely ill, the Pope was stable
and conscious and was ok to run in the 4.15 at Cheltenham. He is
a snip at 40-1.
He was "still lucid, fully conscious and extraordinarily serene", the spokesman
said. Though he failed to add that the Pope's chamber pot
smelled like weasel piss strained through an Ukrainian turnip pickers y-fronts.
Pilgrims gathered in St Peter's Square to pray for the Pope and take advantage
of really cheap hot dogs
The Pope was able to make a sign of the Cross and give two fingers to Jewish
leaders on Friday morning as aides read The Koran to him, he added.
Later, the Vatican announced that the Pope had approved the appointment of 17
new bishops, 16 rooks, 4 knights, two pawns and a King, the
resignation of six others, the garroting of 3 and the beheading of The Bishop of
Brampton.
Catholics around the world have been praying for the Pope and playing stud poker
on the Vatican lawn.
"Soon he will carry his cross into eternity and we will have to study
hard the footprints he has left" said some git called David Power of Tipperary,
Ireland who is obviously on some heavy medication
Police have imposed traffic restrictions around the Vatican and authorities are
making plans to deal with a huge influx of pilgrims, hangers on,
pimps, prostitutes, anarchists and general nutcases anxious to be present in the
event of an announcement of the Pope's death.
In the Pope's homeland, Poland, churches have been packed with horses, frogs,
whippets, vodka and worshippers.
The Archbishop of Krakow, Franciszek Macharski - a long-time friend of the Pope
- told his audience: "Do not feel shame at showing your emotion
and at shedding your clothes you glorious young nubile thing in the front row.
Yes you with the blond hair and the massive tracts of land. Come back to my
chambers and I will really take you to heaven"
More than 20,000 Brazilians gathered for a Mass in Sao Paulo, in what the city's
archbishop described as an expression of love. Minutes later
10,000 couples were seen gyrating to latin beats in the spacious grounds of the
church. Condom vendors were doing brisk business reporters were
informed