Trevor
Born: The Black Forest. The very dark, deep and foreboding Dark Forest
Height: Good God! 6ft 6in at the very least
Weight: Panzer tank
Position: Goalkeeper, striker, sitting on small cities.
Hobbies: Drinking vats of German beer, squashing Volkswagens betwixt
finger and thumb
Likes: Beer wenches, Oktoberfest, pickled horses
Dislikes: Sitting on his spiky helmet, losing to England
Favourite football moment: Germany winning the "German business men in
thongs forming pyramids at the swimming pool" contest
Least favourite football moment: 5-1. Need we say more?
Best sex: German shizer film
Favourite film: Das Boobs
Favourite book: Famous German stand up comedians, the A to Z guide
Career: leather shorts repairman
say something about yourself: "Ich bin ein Real Ale Madrid player"
Paul Lambe
Born: early 60's on a small seal reserve near Nfld.
Height: 6ft without the hair
Weight: A circus mirror slimming 200lbs
Position: Propped up against the bar in St John's
Hobbies: Pig tossing, organizing piss ups, dreaming wistfully of
naked Newfie girls
Likes: Screech, Melted tar, bowling shoe odor.
Dislikes: John Wright, touching his toes
Favourite football moment: Coaching Georgetown to 12th place in 11
team league.
Least favourite football moment: Getting substituted for Roy
Best sex: Newfie pig roast
Favourite film: Inspect Her Gadgets
Favourite book: Seal hunts and other fun things to do on holiday
Career: Dispensing financial advice outside subway stations
say something about yourself: "I am not Buddha nor am I Shrek"
Normy Oliveira
Born: Costa Del Sporting Lisbon
Height: 5ft beer
Weight: Shifting all the time
Position: Roy of Rovers type movement
Hobbies: Toying with hapless defenders who are not fit to lick his boots
Likes: People licking his boots.
Dislikes: Loose women, married women, single women.
Favourite football moment: Luis Figo's plastic Devo hair
Least favourite football moment: Dio infringing on the Real Ale Madrid Portuguese quota
Best sex: every single waking moment
Favourite film: Fried Green Tomato's
Favourite book: The Clangers pop up book
Career: Ice maker in a Motel 6
say something about yourself: " This ring isn't real baby! Hey, were are you going!"
Jeff Linguard
Born: Under a celestial star
Height: a manly 6ft 2in
Weight: flabby
Position: Marauding midfielder
Hobbies: mangling defenders as he runs through them. No, really through them.
Likes: The grey that makes him look over thirty
Dislikes: slow plodding midfield partners
Favourite football moment: The minute the summer season ends and he
does not have to see us for 6 months
Least favourite football moment. That loud "twang" as his hamstring flew off
and landed in the bushes next to the pitch.
Best sex: come on! have you seen the man? getting sex is the least of his worries.
Favourite film: Homemade porn with him and Pamela Anderson and Magic Johnson
Favourite book: The Running through walls for fun manual
Career: Pushing sugary soft drinks on an already chubby population
say something about yourself: "who are you and what do you want?"
Bobby McMillan (RETIRED)
Born: Ibrox maternity ward
Height: No jokes about that here mate!
Weight: 3 pints of heavy
Position: Goalscorer ( stop laughing in the back!)
Hobbies: Beating up deadbeats in the Celtic club
Likes: Getting pissed, Catholic seminary school
Dislikes: Polo mints, Green vegetables, scoring goals
Favourite football moment: 20 goals in a season seems a long time ago doesn't it?
Least favourite moment: the season after that
Best sex: Best not to ask son Alex about this one
Favourite film: Trainspotting
Favourite book: The condensed version of Scottish World Cup triumphs
Career: Bending things into interesting shapes.
say something about yourself: "1966 never happened"