Jane 'The Lord is my Shepher ...
get that fuc*&^ng camera out of my face' Seward
born: Jerusalem,
2009 BC ... Spring .... about tea time.
height: 5'5"
weight: 10lbs ... maybe 11
position: Chief Virgin (ehem)
hobbies: Carpentry, cooking fish and bread, reading long
pointless books and converting the Kama Sutra into origami
likes: young men, beards, scratchy canvas underwear
dislikes: Blasphemers, Unbelievers, Elron Hubbard and Simon
favourite football moment: Believing the
brilliant white light shining over her at SC was a magical star and not
a failing lightbulb
least favourite football moment: Lightbulb
exploding and covering her with glass
best sex: Alone in a manger
with just an ass, cock and ... no I've run out of innuendo sounding
animals
favourite film:
The Life of Brian
favourite book: Need you Ask ... Best Restaurants in
Orangeville (edited by Jesus H Christ) 'The most heavenly restaurant
guide there is' (Toronto Star Food section, 1984)
career: Soccer City Bar Manager and part time wolf nipple chip
vendor ('get 'em while there 'ot)
say something about yourself: For what we are
about to receive, may the lord make us truly thankful ...
born: In an Ambulance
height: 5' 9"
weight: 210lbs
position: In Stirrups
hobbies: Wrapping bandages
likes: Being on his Own
dislikes: His own Company
favourite football moment: Breaking his ankle
(twice)
least favourite football moment: Stepping on the
pitch to break his ankle
best sex: In an ambulance
favourite film: Confessions of an Ambulance Driver
favourite book: How to Drive an Ambulance for Dummies
career: MedicAlert Bracelet Testpilot
say something about yourself: my nipples are
itchy
Paul Capone
born: December
height: 5' 10"
weight: 38 lbs
position: Roaming Midfielder
hobbies: Turning the Sirens & Flashing Lights On
likes: Using the Ambulance Sirens to get home quicker in
rush hour
dislikes: Remembering theres a patient in the ambulance when he
gets home
favourite football moment: Wearing the Green
Bandana
least favourite football moment: Finding out the
Real Ale kit is blue
best sex: Virgin ... no he is one, he doesn't prefer
them.
favourite film: When Harry Did Sally
favourite book: Harry Potter and the Gobbet of Spit
career: Vet
say something about yourself: The Wheels on the
Bus go round and round ...
Ray Tick
(No longer Playing)
born: The Philippines
height: 5' 1"
weight: 240lbs
position: Anywhere ... he's my hero
hobbies: Football
likes: Buying Houses
dislikes: People calling them Wendy Houses
favourite football moment: Playing with Simon
(in a non sexual footballing fashion)
least favourite football moment: Simon turning up
the games
best sex: Watching Simon weave through opposing attackers
favourite film: Simon Scored 4 in one Game Once
favourite book: The Karma Sutra (stops his coffee table wobbling)
career: Burger King Fry Attendant
say something about yourself: My Wrists are on
Fire
Steve Linguard
born: Just before this photo was taken
height: 3' (without legs attached)
weight: 50lbs (without arms attached)
position: lying down
hobbies: naked rambling
likes: wide paths
dislikes: thorn bushes, nettles, any stinging plants
favourite football moment: this is football?
least favourite football moment: having to wear a
kit
best sex: 2 ducks doing it in the park
favourite film: Bridge Across the River Irwell - an
epic tale of a mans struggle to tame a hedgehog
favourite book: Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone of Fire
career: Anything with nudity
say something about yourself: do I look fat in
this?
Dave Sharda
(No longer Playing)
born: Derby
height: 7' 14"
weight: you have to ask, look at the photo!
position: were not too sure really, he gets lost easily
hobbies: Tantric Gerbil Sex
likes: Shaving
dislikes: Shaving that bit
favourite football moment: Walking on the
pitch and yelling for 90 minutes
least favourite football moment: no one takes any
notice
best sex: Probably with himself
favourite film: I dont turn the TV on, I just look at
my reflection in the screen
favourite book: Dont read
books, you cant see yourself in the cover or pages
career: Looking good, looking at myself
say something about yourself: 'Damn I'm hot'!
Mike Sharda
born: Derby
height: width would be more appropriate
weight: I'd rather not estimate it
position: Full Back
hobbies: Probably Eating by the look of him ... just kidding,
coaching kids footy
likes: Coaching small kids (and then eating them by
the look of him)
dislikes: Playing football with Louis
favourite football moment: Watching his kids
develop their footy skills (I wonder if he just sees 11 roast mini
chicken legs running round the pitch)
least favourite football moment: Wondering who
taught the Real Ale team theirs
best sex: Any
favourite film: The Piano (I dont know why)
favourite book: 101 Quick and Nutritious Snacks for the Morbidly Obese
career: Pig Rangler
say something about yourself: Pass the dressing
Roy Boyce
born:
height:
weight:
position:
hobbies:
likes:
dislikes:
favourite football moment:
least favourite football moment:
best sex:
favourite film:
favourite book:
career:
say something about yourself:
Baz Partington
(Retired - Dodgy Knees and Dress Sense)
born: no he was grown
height: about the size of a leek
weight: 2lbs of spuds
position: usually behind the fruit and veg
hobbies: finding vegetables shaped like private parts
likes: finding vegetables shaped like private parts
dislikes: not finding vegetables shaped like private parts
favourite football moment: wearing 1970's cut
off denims with his town halls hanging out
least favourite football moment:
best sex: finding vegetables shaped like private parts
favourite film:
favourite book: 101 Things you Can Do with a Turnip (when your alone)
career: Rag & Bone Man Specializing in Pre 1950 Washing
Machines
say something about yourself: Alright
ladies, c'mon feel these spuds, lovely warm and hairy ... yes missus,
they genuine Jersey Partington King Edwards, give 'em a squeeze
Les
(No longer Playing)
born: Darkest Ukraine
height: 5' 5"
weight: 269.78347 Lbs
position: Goalkeeper
hobbies: Bending Over
likes: Bending Over
dislikes: Bending Over
favourite football moment: Bending Over
least favourite football moment: Bending Over
best sex: You guessed ... bending over
favourite film: Ben Dover ... Man of Steel
favourite book: Ben Dover Sorts it Out
career: Chiropractor and Amateur Proctologist
say something about yourself: Dont hate me
because I'm Beautiful
Richie Norris
born: More likely hatched
height: unmeasureable
weight: 2 ounces
position: dont know, you cant see him
hobbies: stretching
likes: being seen
dislikes: not being seen
favourite football moment: Subuteo Cup Final
1987 - he scored the winner and was actually on the pitch
least favourite football moment: Tripping over
that wrinkle in the Subuteo Pitch
best sex: I dont think twigs mate
favourite film: Matchstick Man
favourite book: How to Assert Yourself for Midgets
career: Pipecleaner
say something about yourself: Sod off Burgess
born: Under an Irish 8 Leaf Clover
height: 6' 2"
weight: 185 lbs (eh, how about that Pat, see the power I have
- I just made you a stallion of a man)
position: Utility Man - anywhere (apart from midfield and up
front - and defence and goalie is a bit dodgy too)
hobbies: Golf and Working Odd Hours
likes: Lynn
dislikes: Mohair underpants
favourite football moment: Winning the
tournament at Belleville (the drinking tournament and shoving bog roll
up your shirt tournament)
least favourite football moment: Never happened
best sex: Unable to comment - partner too close to drinks
allocation at SC
favourite film: The Princess Diaries
favourite book: How to Train Earwigs for Common Household Tasks
career: Leisure Centre Manager and Part Time Yoga Instructor
say something about yourself: I sent my missus on
holiday to Africa and I got was this bloody tsetse fly ... oh and the
new bus boy
Chris Seward
born: into ignorance
height: 5' 4"
weight: 245lbs
position: Out in a Field
hobbies: Trying to make Grass Grow on the SC pitches
likes: Tracy
dislikes: People playing football on the dust bowl, I mean
pitches at Soccer City
favourite football moment: When the games were
cancelled at SC so no one played on the dust bowl, I mean pitches
least favourite football moment: Man U getting
beaten by Chelsea (well isn't it everyones)
best sex: Best not to ask although he does have (almost) 3
kids
favourite film: The Jungle Book
favourite book: Angels in the Outhouse
career: Leisure Centre Manager and Part Time Yoga Instructor
say something about yourself: My knuckles are
hairier than my head ...
Anthony Giglio
(No longer Playing)
born:
not yet
height:
he has some.
weight:
Ahmed's left thigh
position:
Ahmed's left thigh
hobbies:
Ahmed's right...er...thigh
likes:
to touch wet things
dislikes:
rubbing alcohol.
favourite football
moment:
he just signed for this team did he not?
least favourite
football moment:
see above 5 minutes into first league game
best sex: we
don't know him well enough to throw him over to Warren yet.
favourite film:
Steel Magnolias
favourite book:
Steel Magnolia's. THE REVENGE
career:
I think he sells hot dogs
say something about
yourself:
Hi Ahmed.
Sean Rothfusz
(No longer Playing)
born:
a cuckoo
height:
several yards short of 1
weight:
with cheesy 70's porn star mustache? 210lbs. Without? 120lbs
position:
left fluffer
hobbies:
daises. lots of daises
likes:
sharp objects. blood
dislikes:
doctors.
favourite football
moment:
when he plays eventually he will let us know
least favourite
football moment:
touching real grass
best sex:
Roy was not there.
favourite film:
The Magic Roundabout
favourite book:
Karma Sutra 2. The Masturbation edition
career:
Test driver for shopping carts with wonky front right wheel
say something about
yourself:
Roy has piles.
Sean Reid
(No longer Playing)
born:
1969 San Francisco
height:
a hit of acid
weight: 12
lbs of pot
position:
watering hydroponic garden
hobbies:
convincing women he has a willie
likes:
Trevor
dislikes:
hair
favourite football
moment:
goat in 6 yard box
least favourite
football moment:
Simon
best sex:
Trevor, in his dreams
favourite film:
Brokeback Molehill
favourite book:
I was an 8 year old gay streetwalker
career:
Bus driver/ Garbage disposal/ Neurosurgeon
say something
about yourself: Somebody make some munchies
Rennie Carson
born:
1266
height:
Crossbow level
weight:
indeterminate.
position:
centreback. Mob hitman
hobbies:
body dumping
likes:
black caddies ( the car people!)
dislikes:
making concrete boots
favourite football
moment:
quitting Real Ale
least favourite
football moment:
Joining Real Ale. Again.
best sex:
decomposed body of Little Italy hitman
favourite film:
The Good Father. Starring Steve Martin as Marlon Brandy
favourite book:
Scilly. Where the bodies are buried
career:
Lighthouseman
say something about
yourself:
Is this thing being taped?
Russell (No longer
Playing)
born:
Oliver Twist. Name changed at age 3
height:
can just reach the top shelf at the sweet shop
weight:
a bullish 320lbs
position:
dreadnought defender
hobbies:
pulling the wings of Albatros'
likes:
fighting chaps of indiscriminate colour and taste
dislikes:
flossing
favourite football
moment:
handbags at 10 paces in indoor
least favourite
football moment:
getting over the halfway line
best sex:
see handbags above
favourite film:
Bend it like Vinnie Jones
favourite book:
The Art of War
career:
Nursemaid
say something about
yourself:
kids like my idea of self control
Greg (No longer Playing)
born: unconfirmed
height: yes
weight: some
position: we have not decided
hobbies: needlepoint
likes: hydrangas (they are a flower)
dislikes: flowers
favourite football moment: Riverplate making
the playoffs
least favourite football moment: Riverplate making
the playoffs
best sex: Riverplate making the playoffs
favourite film: Kong King
favourite book: Jane and Finch - The Lost World
career: Driver (Beginner)
say something about yourself: I thought this team
was Academica? Paul G you lying bast**d.
