Bios

Lynn Doyle
born: Stockport (well she wishes)
height: 5'5"
weight: 105lbs
position: too many sexist joke responses to mention to this one so best to say midfield
hobbies: rolling empty barrels of Guinness in front of her team mates, folding napkins into swan figures, smoking
likes: potting plants, tripping forwards, getting sent off, celebrating 30th birthdays at Wingers
dislikes: getting beat every week, playing with girls, playing with Real Ale, celebrating 30th birthdays at Wingers
favourite football moment: signing with Real Ale
least favourite football moment: being chased by Louis in the debut game warmup.
best sex: Not required, playing for Real Ale is just as good
favourite film: Rony and Michelles High School Reunion
favourite book: Knitting for the Criminally Insane (currently on loan to Roy)
career: Soccer City Dictator and Chief of Plumbing
say something about yourself: "you never close your eyes anymore, when I kiss your lips, there's no tenderness like before in your Kibbles and Bits"
 
Jane 'The Lord is my Shepher ... get that fuc*&^ng camera out of my face' Seward
 
born: Jerusalem, 2009 BC ... Spring .... about tea time.
height: 5'5"
weight: 10lbs ... maybe 11
position: Chief Virgin (ehem)
hobbies: Carpentry, cooking fish and bread, reading long pointless books and converting the Kama Sutra into origami
likes: young men, beards, scratchy canvas underwear
dislikes: Blasphemers, Unbelievers, Elron Hubbard and Simon
favourite football moment: Believing the brilliant white light shining over her at SC was a magical star and not a failing lightbulb
least favourite football moment: Lightbulb exploding and covering her with glass
best sex: Alone in a manger with just an ass, cock and ... no I've run out of innuendo sounding animals
favourite film: The Life of Brian
favourite book: Need you Ask ... Best Restaurants in Orangeville (edited by Jesus H Christ) 'The most heavenly restaurant guide there is' (Toronto Star Food section, 1984)
career: Soccer City Bar Manager and part time wolf nipple chip vendor ('get 'em while there 'ot)
say something about yourself: For what we are about to receive, may the lord make us truly thankful ...

 

 
Dave Sharda
born: Derby
height: 7' 14"
weight: you have to ask, look at the photo!
position: were not too sure really, he gets lost easily
hobbies: Tantric Gerbil Sex
likes: Shaving
dislikes: Shaving that bit
favourite football moment: Walking on the pitch and yelling for 90 minutes
least favourite football moment: no one takes any notice
best sex: Probably with himself
favourite film: I dont turn the TV on, I just look at my reflection in the screen
favourite book: Dont read books, you cant see yourself in the cover or pages
career: Looking good, looking at myself
say something about yourself: 'Damn I'm hot'!
 

Mike Sharda

born: Derby
height: width would be more appropriate   
weight: I'd rather not estimate it
position: Full Back
hobbies: Probably Eating by the look of him ... just kidding, coaching kids footy
likes: Coaching small kids (and then  eating them by the look of him)
dislikes: Playing football with Louis
favourite football moment: Watching his kids develop their footy skills (I wonder if he just sees 11 roast mini chicken legs running round the pitch)
least favourite football moment: Wondering who taught the Real Ale team theirs
best sex: Any
favourite film: The Piano (I dont know why)
favourite book: 101 Quick and Nutritious Snacks for the Morbidly Obese
career: Pig Rangler
say something about yourself: Pass the dressing
 
Richie Norris
born: More likely hatched
height: unmeasureable
weight: 2 ounces
position: dont know, you cant see him
hobbies: stretching
likes: being seen
dislikes: not being seen
favourite football moment: Subuteo Cup Final 1987 - he scored the winner and was actually on the pitch
least favourite football moment: Tripping over that wrinkle in the Subuteo Pitch
best sex: I dont think twigs mate
favourite film: Matchstick Man
favourite book: How to Assert Yourself for Midgets
career: Pipecleaner
say something about yourself: Sod off Burgess
 

Pat Doyle

born: Under an Irish 8 Leaf Clover
height: 6' 2"
weight: 185 lbs (eh, how about that Pat, see the power I have - I just made you a stallion of a man)
position: Utility Man - anywhere (apart from midfield and up front - and defence and goalie is a bit dodgy too)
hobbies: Golf and Working Odd Hours
likes: Lynn
dislikes: Mohair underpants
favourite football moment: Winning the tournament at Belleville (the drinking tournament and shoving bog roll up your shirt tournament)
least favourite football moment: Never happened
best sex: Unable to comment - partner too close to drinks allocation at SC
favourite film: The Princess Diaries
favourite book: How to Train Earwigs for Common Household Tasks
career: Leisure Centre Manager and Part Time Yoga Instructor
say something about yourself: I sent my missus on holiday to Africa and I got was this bloody tsetse fly ... oh and the new bus boy
 
Rennie Carson

born: 1266
height: Crossbow level
weight: indeterminate
position: centreback. Mob hitman
hobbies: body dumping
likes: black caddies ( the car people!)
dislikes: making concrete boots
favourite football moment: quitting Real Ale
least favourite football moment: Joining Real Ale. Again.
best sex: decomposed body of Little Italy hitman
favourite film: The Good Father. Starring Steve Martin as Marlon Brandy
favourite book: Scilly. Where the bodies are buried
career: Lighthouseman
say something about yourself:Is this thing being taped?
 
 
Alex Evans
 
born: In a reed basket - Port Credit Marina
height: The size of a watertight compartment
weight: Displaces 23 tons
position: Starboard
hobbies: 1940 submarines & 1980 Quiznos
likes: The Queen Mary
dislikes: A barnacle'd keel
favourite football moment: Promoted to playing in goals after a 30 second defence shift
least favourite football moment: Playing in goals after a 30 second defence shift
best sex: in the engine room ... phwoar. eh eh, know what I mean. Say no more.
favourite film: The Poseidon Adventure
favourite book: Iceberg Avoidance in the 90's
career: Sailmaker and Boll Weevil trainer
say something about yourself: I'm the king of the world...
 
 
Sean Wagar
 
born: Into working 3 jobs
height: same as the big ladder
weight: too much for the big ladder
position: never anywhere near the big ladder
hobbies: firelighting, polishing the big red truck
likes: the neighbours big red truck
dislikes: the neighbour going out in the big red truck
favourite football moment: scoring more than his missus after only playing a fraction of games she has
least favourite football moment: having to listen to Dave Shardas motivational speeches
best sex: taking his wife up the big ladder,.. No he's a fireman and there really is a big ladder, Its not a euphanism
favourite film: Towering Inferno
favourite book: Famous Mexican Firemen. The Story of Jose and Hose B (haha)
career: Errr. Fireman and Lothario
say something about yourself: Anyone got a match you say? Yeah my arse your face.
 
Richard Szommer
 
born: Hungarian Stew College
height: A dumpling
weight: Beef Stroganov
position: Defence and the Kitchen
hobbies: Bringing in his Mums stew
likes: Loud cars
dislikes: Poles
favourite football moment: scoring against Wooden Shoes FC
least favourite football moment: listening to Dave Shardas motivatonal speeches
best sex: no idea and I dont want to ask
favourite film: Bambi on Ice
favourite book: Serbian Goulash recipes
career: Electrician/Choir Boy
say something about yourself: This one time, at Band Camp
 
John Kirou
 
born: Yes
height: Indeed
weight: Absolutely
position: Nets (Stocking)
hobbies: Bending
likes: Picking up
dislikes: Picking up
favourite football moment: not having to pick up
least favourite football moment: having to pick up
best sex: picking up
favourite film: Bambi
favourite book: Snow White
career: Replacement Hip Salesman
say something about yourself: Who ARE you?

 

 

Dom Erra
 
born: Italy, 1941
height: 6' 9"
weight: 128 Lbs
position: Roaming, stumbling, staggering Attack minded drinker
hobbies: Keg waitresses, drinking water, waiting for the Apocalypse
likes: Soccer City Chardonay
dislikes: Diareaha
favourite football moment: Real Ale beating Gangz
least favourite football moment: Realising he was playing for Gangz
best sex: The Keg, Mississauga
favourite film: The Dirty Dozen or as its known in Canada 'How Many Keg waitresses I sha**ed before the starter Arrived'
favourite book: Canadian Waitress Pick Up Lines
career: Information Technology Consultant for the Cuban Space Agency
say something about yourself: The Wheels on the bus go round and round, hopefully the ABS is working ...

 

Biffer

born: In an Ambulance
height: 5' 9"
weight: 210lbs
position: In Stirrups
hobbies: Wrapping bandages
likes: Being on his Own
dislikes: His own Company
favourite football moment: Breaking his ankle (twice)
least favourite football moment: Stepping on the pitch to break his ankle
best sex: In an ambulance
favourite film: Confessions of an Ambulance Driver
favourite book: How to Drive an Ambulance for Dummies
career: MedicAlert Bracelet Testpilot
say something about yourself: my nipples are itchy

Paul Capone

born: Yes
height: Not Much
weight: Even Less
position: Anywhere
hobbies: Carpets
likes: Vans
dislikes: Shagpile Rugs
favourite football moment: Signing for Real Ale
least favourite football moment: About 5 seconds after signing for Real Ale
best sex: On TV
favourite film: The Backpassage Gardener
favourite book: Mix your Own Shampoo
career: Portuguese Sock Merchant
say something about yourself: I am not an animal!

 

Aiden
born: December
height: 5' 10"
weight: 38 lbs
position: Roaming Midfielder
hobbies: Turning the Sirens & Flashing Lights On
likes: Using the Ambulance Sirens to get home quicker in rush hour
dislikes: Remembering theres a patient in the ambulance when he gets home
favourite football moment: Wearing the Green Bandana
least favourite football moment: Finding out the Real Ale kit is blue
best sex: Virgin ...  no he is one, he doesn't prefer them.
favourite film: When Harry Did Sally
favourite book: Harry Potter and the Gobbet of Spit
career: Vet
say something about yourself: The Wheels on the Bus go round and round ...
 
Ray Tick (No longer Playing)
born: The Philippines
height: 5' 1"
weight: 240lbs
position: Anywhere ... he's my hero
hobbies: Football
likes: Buying Houses
dislikes: People calling them Wendy Houses
favourite football moment: Playing with Simon (in a non sexual footballing fashion)
least favourite football moment: Simon turning up the games
best sex: Watching Simon weave through opposing attackers
favourite film: Simon Scored 4 in one Game Once
favourite book: The Karma Sutra (stops his coffee table wobbling)
career: Burger King Fry Attendant
say something about yourself: My Wrists are on Fire
 

Steve Linguard

born: Just before this photo was taken
height: 3' (without legs attached)
weight: 50lbs (without arms attached)
position: lying down
hobbies: naked rambling
likes: wide paths
dislikes: thorn bushes, nettles, any stinging plants
favourite football moment: this is football?
least favourite football moment: having to wear a kit
best sex: 2 ducks doing it in the park
favourite film: Bridge Across the River Irwell - an epic tale of a mans struggle to tame a hedgehog
favourite book: Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone of Fire
career: Anything with nudity
say something about yourself: do I look fat in this?
 

 

Roy Boyce
 
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Baz Partington (Retired - Dodgy Knees and Dress Sense)

born: no he was grown
height: about the size of a leek
weight: 2lbs of spuds
position: usually behind the fruit and veg
hobbies: finding vegetables shaped like private parts
likes: finding vegetables shaped like private parts
dislikes: not finding vegetables shaped like private parts
favourite football moment: wearing 1970's cut off denims with his town halls hanging out
least favourite football moment: 
best sex: finding vegetables shaped like private parts
favourite film:
favourite book: 101 Things you Can Do with a Turnip (when your alone)
career:  Rag & Bone Man Specializing in Pre 1950 Washing Machines
say something about yourself:   Alright ladies, c'mon feel these spuds, lovely warm and hairy ... yes missus, they genuine Jersey Partington King Edwards, give 'em a squeeze
 
Les (No longer Playing)
born: Darkest Ukraine
height: 5' 5"
weight: 269.78347 Lbs
position: Goalkeeper
hobbies: Bending Over
likes: Bending Over
dislikes: Bending Over
favourite football moment: Bending Over
least favourite football moment: Bending Over
best sex: You guessed ... bending over
favourite film: Ben Dover ... Man of Steel
favourite book: Ben Dover Sorts it Out
career: Chiropractor and Amateur Proctologist
say something about yourself: Dont hate me because I'm Beautiful
 

 

Chris Seward
born:  into ignorance
height: 5' 4"
weight: 245lbs
position: Out in a Field
hobbies: Trying to make Grass Grow on the SC pitches
likes: Tracy
dislikes: People playing football on the dust bowl, I mean pitches at Soccer City
favourite football moment: When the games were cancelled at SC so no one played on the dust bowl, I mean pitches
least favourite football moment: Man U getting beaten by Chelsea (well isn't it everyones)
best sex: Best not to ask although he does have (almost) 3 kids
favourite film:  The Jungle Book
favourite book: Angels in the Outhouse
career: Leisure Centre Manager and Part Time Yoga Instructor
say something about yourself: My knuckles are hairier than my head ...
 

Anthony Giglio (No longer Playing)

Anthony Quinn

born: not yet

height: he has some.

weight: Ahmed's left thigh

position: Ahmed's left thigh

hobbies: Ahmed's right...er...thigh

likes: to touch wet things

dislikes: rubbing alcohol.

favourite football moment: he just signed for this team did he not?

least favourite football moment: see above 5 minutes into first league game

best sex: we don't know him well enough to throw him over to Warren yet.

favourite film: Steel Magnolias

favourite book: Steel Magnolia's. THE REVENGE

career: I think he sells hot dogs

say something about yourself: Hi Ahmed.

 

Sean Rothfusz (No longer Playing)

Sean Bean

born: a cuckoo

height: several yards short of 1

weight: with cheesy 70's porn star mustache? 210lbs. Without? 120lbs

position: left fluffer

hobbies: daises. lots of daises

likes: sharp objects. blood

dislikes: doctors.

favourite football moment: when he plays eventually he will let us know

least favourite football moment: touching real grass

best sex: Roy was not there.

favourite film: The Magic Roundabout

favourite book: Karma Sutra 2. The Masturbation edition

career: Test driver for shopping carts with wonky front right wheel

say something about yourself: Roy has piles.

 

Sean Reid (No longer Playing)

born: 1969 San Francisco

height: a hit of acid

weight: 12 lbs of pot

position: watering hydroponic garden

hobbies: convincing women he has a willie

likes: Trevor

dislikes: hair

favourite football moment: goat in 6 yard box

least favourite football moment: Simon

best sex: Trevor, in his dreams

favourite film: Brokeback Molehill

favourite book: I was an 8 year old gay streetwalker

career: Bus driver/ Garbage disposal/ Neurosurgeon

say something about yourself: Somebody make some munchies

 

Russell  (No longer Playing)

born: Oliver Twist. Name changed at age 3

height: can just reach the top shelf at the sweet shop

weight: a bullish 320lbs

position: dreadnought defender

hobbies: pulling the wings of Albatros'

likes: fighting chaps of indiscriminate colour and taste

dislikes: flossing

favourite football moment: handbags at 10 paces in indoor

least favourite football moment: getting over the halfway line

best sex: see handbags above

favourite film: Bend it like Vinnie Jones

favourite book: The Art of War

career: Nursemaid

say something about yourself: kids like my idea of self control

 

 

Greg (No longer Playing)
 
born: unconfirmed
height: yes
weight: some
position: we have not decided
hobbies: needlepoint
likes: hydrangas (they are a flower)
dislikes: flowers
favourite football moment: Riverplate making the playoffs
least favourite football moment: Riverplate making the playoffs
best sex: Riverplate making the playoffs
favourite film:  Kong King
favourite book: Jane and Finch - The Lost World
career: Driver (Beginner)
say something about yourself: I thought this team was Academica? Paul G you lying bast**d.
 
Chris Falconer
 
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Stan Lee
 
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Darren Hann
 
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John Wright
 
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'Polish Chris' Krzysztof Kasprowicz
 
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Jamie Parkes
 
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Darren Parkes
 
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Michael Nelson
 
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Victor
 
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Jenna
 
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Mary Jane 'MJ" Maxwell
 
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Denise Parkes
 
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Chris Shelton
 
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Adam Hall
 
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Craig Dawe
 
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Cristian Silva
 
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