Player Bios

born: Birmingham during power outage

hobbies: collecting train ticket stubs from places he has never been,

driving in nice weather, melting plastic.

likes: watching Aston Villa lose, jumping, eating things he finds on the

dislikes: the dark, getting off the couch, lancing own boils.

favourite football moment: scoring once in 5 years.

least favourite moment: no one remembers it.

favourite film: Dude, Where's My Car ?

career: Poop 'N Scoop ticket inspector

say something about yourself: "Here is the Church, here is the steeple, open

born: in a manger behind Old Trafford

height: no one has got close enough to measure. Scientists estimate about 5ft 1in

weight: see above, scientists estimate it at 265lbs

position: currently injured, normally midfield running over people.

hobbies: counting the bodies piling up outside his office at work, lifting things over his head, nipple rings.

likes: Sir Alex Ferguson, but not in that way, berating defenceless chartered accountants, nothing.

dislikes: everything, Thomas J., Scottish cooking,

favourite football moment: being voted man of the match for kicking someone.
least favourite football moment: scoring a hatrick, but no one remembering he also kicked every player on both teams.

favourite film: Beck's and Posh's wedding video.

favourite book: The Fall And Rise And Fall of Jordi Cruyff.

career: doorman at Chubb mergers and acquisitions

say something about yourself: "get that f***ing microphone out of my face you f***er. I'll take you out you c***!!!"

height: photon microscopes cannot measure it.

position: winger / fullback with blinkers on.

hobbies: teaching P.E. to underprivileged budgies, eating salads, returning video's with rewinding them.

likes: eating lunch in the school cafeteria, dropping his fork and staring at his female pupils underwear, laughing at fat people.

dislikes: his school principal who continually tells him to stop hanging around the girls showers, turning around and running backwards, impolite opposition players who use bad language.

favourite football moment: watching girls play football in the rain.

least favourite football moment: getting cut from an intramural team.

best sex: when his wife is out of town.

favourite film: Pedophilia And You - A Teachers Tale.

favourite book: The Treaty of Versailles

career: raincoat and wellie salesman.

say something about yourself: "Honest, Officer. I thought this WAS the men's room"

Simon E. RETIRED born: Birmingham during power outage height: a bit less that 10ft weight: a trim 300lbs position: defence of the realm hobbies: collecting train ticket stubs from places he has never been, driving in nice weather, melting plastic. likes: watching Aston Villa lose, jumping, eating things he finds on the street. dislikes: the dark, getting off the couch, lancing own boils. favourite football moment: scoring once in 5 years. least favourite moment: no one remembers it. best sex: er, what's that ? favourite film: Dude, Where's My Car ? favourite book: Ikea Catalogue. career: Poop 'N Scoop ticket inspector say something about yourself: "Here is the Church, here is the steeple, open the doors, here are all the people " Martin born: in a manger behind Old Trafford height: no one has got close enough to measure. Scientists estimate about 5ft 1in weight: see above, scientists estimate it at 265lbs position: currently injured, normally midfield running over people. hobbies: counting the bodies piling up outside his office at work, lifting things over his head, nipple rings. likes: Sir Alex Ferguson, but not in that way, berating defenceless chartered accountants, nothing. dislikes: everything, Thomas J., Scottish cooking, favourite football moment: being voted man of the match for kicking someone. least favourite football moment: scoring a hatrick, but no one remembering he also kicked every player on both teams. best sex: ask John. favourite film: Beck's and Posh's wedding video. favourite book: The Fall And Rise And Fall of Jordi Cruyff. career: doorman at Chubb mergers and acquisitions say something about yourself: "get that f*ing microphone out of my face you fer. I'll take you out you c!!!" Paul Mallon born: 1969 in a small badger burrow height: photon microscopes cannot measure it. weight: a twig position: winger / fullback with blinkers on. hobbies: teaching P.E. to underprivileged budgies, eating salads, returning video's with rewinding them. likes: eating lunch in the school cafeteria, dropping his fork and staring at his female pupils underwear, laughing at fat people. dislikes: his school principal who continually tells him to stop hanging around the girls showers, turning around and running backwards, impolite opposition players who use bad language. favourite football moment: watching girls play football in the rain. least favourite football moment: getting cut from an intramural team. best sex: when his wife is out of town. favourite film: Pedophilia And You - A Teachers Tale. favourite book: The Treaty of Versailles career: raincoat and wellie salesman. say something about yourself:** "Honest, Officer. I thought this WAS the men's room"